The Best And Worst Dressed (And Most Heavily On Drugs) At The 2014 MTV VMAs

Taylor Swift

TSwift has taken a beating this past week and rather than "shaking it off" she came back with just more fodder for us to son her. I don't know what she's going for here, but she fell short like a long jumper diving face first into the sand. She looks like a Barbie model that got rejected after the first prototype. This dress is like the The Da Vinci Code to figure out all her ex-boyfriends.

Nicki Minaj

Nicki's Personal Brand Synergy™ between this dress and her new single and her new butt are just off the charts, guys. Truly a model celebrity in 2k14. We've got nothing but a round of applause for The Harajuku Barbie, assuming she makes that ass clap, of course.

J. Lo

I know that every man reading this immediately shifted to the right of their couch when they saw J. Lo on her way to present an award near the end of the night just to try and catch a quick glimpse. Or maybe you're too young since J. Lo was born in 1969 and is a relic of music videos past. But cotdamn she still looks good.

Katy Perry and Riff Raff

An ode to Britney and Justin at the 2001 American Music Awards, KP and Riff showed up in matching Canadian tuxedos. It's the his and hers outfit that launched a million Google searches to find out if they were actually fucking or not. Alas, Jon Mayer and his billion dollar visvim collection are no longer in the picture.

Iggy Azalea

Like a drunk sorority chick at a western bar, Iggy Azalea emerged victorious in her battle against the fucking vat of K-Y she keeps near her at all times. Hope you didn't let it hit your dress Iggs cuz it looks like this shit would rust immediately.

"Come with me if you want to ruin hip-hop." - Rap Terminator

Rita Ora

I assume that Iggy and Rita planned this. There's no way both of them would independently go, "Hey let me just drown my hair in some lube and call it a day." Then again, it is the VMAs and nobody really gives a shit. Also, who is Rita Ora again?

Ariana Grande

Ariana looking like a knockoff Rita Ora with more talent and a more lucrative deal with Moschino. Or maybe an out of work extra from The Matrix? Or maybe a dominatrix who has fallen on hard times? I don't know much, but I do know you'd have one less problem if you fired your stylist, girl.

The Kardashian-Jenners

Sometimes, you only need three people to become the new Mount Rushmore. If only the government would get on it and carve out 200 foot tall sculptures of these three. I assume Kanye's next Twitter rant is going to be composed of 19 consecutive tweets solely about Kim's tits in this Balmain dress.

Miley Cyrus

Miley got all humanitarian on us with that homeless kid accepting the award on her behalf. Very selfless of you, Miles. But we won't forget the Robin Thicke debacle from last year anytime soon. To be fair, in hindsight, it feels like you gave Paula Patton a reason to finally leave that fool. So maybe you are truly a selfless individual after all.

Queen Bey

SIXTEEN CONSECUTIVE MINUTES of feminist overlord 'Yonce to close out the show? That's the best programming decision MTV has made since they finally put TRL out of its misery in 2008 like Old Yeller. It was like a sick dog, MTV. Jesus. Also, Bey looked pretty bae-like. No complaints here.

Jeremy Scott

I guess Jeremy Scott gets invited to these things now? I'll be honest, I had no idea he looked like this. Diet Macklemore™ overfloweth this cup. But he rolled through looking like the Mr. Nice Guy logo from Half Baked. If he was as smart as A$AP Rocky likes to claim, he had a heavy dose of Mr. Nice Guy on deck all night long. Regardless, lemme know when this walking emoji is finally all the way the fuck outta here.

Usher

Usher, still a legend. If only for this. Also, he's got on white-out Margiela Futures and his lead guitarist had on the Dick Ovens. So, off footwear alone, Usher was probably best-dressed, especially when you peep the clowns we've got coming up.

Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose

After all the "Wiz won" memes made their rounds and puns on "Amber Rose McGowan" died down, we finally accepted the fact that these two look like the poster children for a malnourished kid and the mother who keeps all the food for herself (it's going straight to her hips btw).

Ed Sheeran

Eddie boy, you just couldn't be bothered, could you? I get it, MTV is irrelevant and so are music videos on the whole. But good God, man. Not even a nice haircut to look presentable? The messy hair look went out when Green Day died, which should have been in the late 90s. You can't bring it back. Nice Oreo Vs though, I guess.

Adam Levine

It was funny that MTV put the Maroon 5 performance outside and treated it like it was some special event. Meanwhile, we got Adam Levine in his best Fletch costume and 5,000 people who were probably paid by MTV to stick around and hashtag a photo online. This is the picture that pops up in the dictionary next to the definition of "Narc Dad."*

*This slide is proudly brought to you by Kmart.

Sam Smith

I didn't know Sam Smith was—how do I say this—um, so doughy. He doesn't really come off that way, but he stands like his arms are freshly processed sausages, has platform double monks on and his sleeves are too long. Stay with me, Sam, you look fucking terrible. Also, Adidas should have just gone full turbo and paid this dude to wear patent leather Stan Smiths on the red carpet. That would have been kind of clever.

JA-SON DERULOOOOOOOH

Why are you doing this to yourself, Jason? Jordin Fucking Sparks, fam? The season six winner of American Idol who wouldn't know a successful career if Simon Cowell slapped her across the face with one? There's a reason she's holding you so tight. Better tuck that chain, homie.

5 Seconds of Summer

Never heard of them. But I already know that the dude on the far right uses all the boy band money he makes strictly for the purposes of buying fertilizer, batteries and Tylenol to cook up small batch meth. It's like craft beer, but meth.

DJ Mustard

Mustard on the candied beets, hoe.

Tyga and Chris Brown

These two look like they swung by the "Fuccboi" section at Nordstrom Rack to get it all on huge markdown.

Common

Common came through looking quite, well, common. Like, a minister at the local church who got caught stealing money from the collection plate.

Taye Diggs

For a guy notorious for following every single person in existence on Twitter, you'd think he could crowdsource better styling advice. Bro, you're short. Baggy pants and high-tops don't work. I know you'll see me tweet this story out, Taye, since you follow me on Twitter. When you got a honey on your arm willing to wear nearly nothing on the red carpet, you gotta show the fuck up smfh.

Austin Mahone

Austin Mahone came through looking like he copped 90% of the stock at the Rick Owens sample sale because he's not that rich yet. But, like, not in a fly way. This is a fucking brick, which is not a cocaine reference, but word to your swagless existence. Good to know they let you out of the Justin Bieber Institution for the Criminally Insane for some community service.