Image via Complex Original
1.
I need a pair of linen pants like these Apolis joints, which means you guys get to read about my justification for purchasing a pair of linen pants. It's fucking wedding season and wedding season means you gotta go to a bunch of other peoples' parties, bring them a gift that they specifically told you to buy, sit with a bunch of strangers for dinner and then you're expected to dance and have fun. FUCK THAT NOISE. I'm not trying to spend my precious summer days and nights eating the same seven iterations of Chicken Florentine with a rotating cast of strangers that constantly ask about what I do for a living and how my girlfriend and I met. Also, a lot of these brides and grooms expect you to wear a suit or at least a jacket and tie to these exercises in narcissism. Listen, if I buy you a present, I should be able to wear whatever the fuck I want to your stupid function. Alas, we are all bound by social codes and mores so I will buy a pair of decidedly casual linen pants to wear with a jacket and the same knit tie I wear whenever I have to wear a tie. See you guys at the open bar.