Ranking 10 Garments' Probability of Getting You Laid

Image via Complex Original

Probability Of Getting You Laid: 0%

Let's start this off with a no-brainer. Most women love a good sense of humor, but thinking that anyone is going to look at the gag on your T-shirt, chuckle, and try to get to know you better is simply delusional. You could be the most intelligent, funny, charming dude, but if you don't cover up your fratty/nerdy T-shirt with something else, ain't no one gonna give you a second look.

Probability Of Getting You Laid: 77%

How many times in a day do you think you check out some great-looking butts? Well, not that it should shock you or anything, but you're probably getting objectified just as often, so you better make sure the view is correct.

Of course, you don't want a pair of jeans to hug you as tightly as some yoga pants and choke off important parts of your anatomy, but rocking a well-cut pair of jeans will immediately boost you up to slayable levels. You'll stand out immediately over the basics wearing boot-cut jeans or hanging their rumps out for the world to see simply by showing that you know how a good pair of denim should fit.

Probability Of Getting You Laid: 38%

Sporting wrist wealth can either showcase your gaudy simp tastes for the shiniest, brightest objects around, or highlight your preference for exquisite design and performance. It's definitely a thin line, but you can't go wrong with an understated timepiece that will definitely last a few lifetimes. An investment as pricey as a serious watch speaks volumes about the qualities you hold in high esteem, so make sure your wrist is giving off the right vibes.

Probability Of Getting You Laid: 1%

Quick improvised infographic:

Are you Pharrell? 

Yes --> Laid

No --> Not laid

Probability Of Getting You Laid: 24%

A fur coat is a tricky proposition, not because of the moral quandary of wearing a dead animal, but because most people look like an asshole wearing one. And then, yes, there's a chance that someone you're hoping to impress isn't entertained by you flaunting the notion of animal rights. Looking like an ostentatious asshole and not caring about animals are two very large impediments to your ultimate goal that probably outweigh any hope you have that brandishing your monetary wealth will attract anyone.

Probability Of Getting You Laid: 75%

Sure, it's basic, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. If you're able to keep your white tee sparkling, then you're already showing off some great qualities—cleanliness, an ability to avoid messy situations, and the knowledge of how to deal with wild stains, a trait that not even all former presidents posses. An immaculately clean and wrinkle-free white tee tells the world you're a not-disgusting human being who cares about comfort and simplicity, and who would not be attracted to that?

Probability Of Getting You Laid: 21%

There are two routes to take your mandals. You can either rock them like a frail middle-aged man who values the time saved by slipping his jacked-up feet into these bad boys, or you go the fashion route and wear a luxe pair of sandals, a move that runway brands have been supporting for a few seasons now. Going down the former will probably not get you laid, unless you meet someone who associates your dad-mandals with deeper issues...

However, going down the fashionable path is also dicey. A lot of girls aren't gonna be impressed that you're taking cues from the spring/summer 2015 runway before shit is even on the shelves, or that you're flawlessly executing a serious style risk. This definitely isn't something to lean on, so make sure your politeness, charm, and intelligence levels are still on maximum levels.

Probability Of Getting You Laid: 19%

No woman is going to want to spend time with a dude who looks like they are headed to a bar mitzvah afterparty or an awards ceremony that's giving Men's Wearhouse a lifetime achievement award. Fact: It doesn't matter how much you paid or what name is on the label of your formal fit. If you don't put in a few extra bucks at the tailor, then rocking a suit is going to make you look worse off than before. 

Probability Of Getting You Laid: 81%

It might be a cliché, but if you're a guy who doesn't normally wear a suit, throwing on one that is perfectly tailored will affect the way you present yourself, which will in turn affect the way people treat and receive you. Of course, simply putting on any garment isn't going to make girls throw themselves at you, but anything that boosts your confidence is going to up the probability of another human being going against all rational thought and spending the night with a stranger.

Probability Of Getting You Laid: -10,000%

The only way you'd get laid in this thing is if you wear it to certain U.S. states or foreign countries and subsequently get thrown in jail.