Does anybody else hear voices before an impulse purchase? I hear two.

The first is very loud and very cogent. It tells me how good I'd look wearing whatever is the thing in my cart. It asks me to recall that one time my girlfriend said she liked whatever is the thing in my cart's color on me. It calls me a herbivore when my cursor is hovering over the checkout screen "back" button.

The second voice is meek, but eloquent. It tries its hardest to dissuade me from copping another garm I'll leave on a hanger in my main closet for six months before relegating it to the depths of the reserve wardrobe in my spare bedroom. It reminds me that it's my mom's birthday this weekend and that I still haven't bought her a gift. It points out that I probably won't get away with making her a handmade card for the third year running courtesy of misappropriating birthday gift money on bomber jackets.

Usually, and thankfully, the second voice prevails. But goddamn, the word "layered" gives voz numero uno another string to its bow. Right now it's murmuring something about how this this Lad Musician maneuver is hard as fuck. It's asking me to take note of the gnarly hem. It's trying to convince me that I'd be getting 3/4 of a fit for a measly 2.6 Benjamins plus shipping.

Moksha August is a serial Four Pins commenter turned occasional writer. You can follow him on Twitter here.