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There is a new trend amongst #influencers that is coursing across America: Being washed. No longer is it cool to be oucheah or even attempt to chase virility well into your 50's. No, it's now all about being a lethargic knapsack of shit and old AF. Teens are actively rejecting their youthfulness and freedom to stay at home instead of attempting to have sex with each other!¹ Twenty-somethings are proud of being preemptively middle-aged. Is it Drake's fault? Most likely.
Do you have reserves of enthusiasm? Do you like to do things? Well, with a few tweaks to your normal routine you can stop being a dumbass lame and become cool for once in your life. Here is "The Four Pins Guide To Being Washed."
Go To Sleep Early
Getting a good night sleep is essential to being washed. If you are going to miss out on every surprise album release and seminal pop culture moment then start passing out moments after dusk. You'll have to adjust your meal times to maintain this long-term, but having supper alone at 4:00pm at Applebee's is actually very lit and affordable. Plus, you can get the 2 for $20 deal and not have to share the 'tizer.
Fall Asleep During TV Shows and Movies
Between all the sleeping, you won't have much time to stay abreast of important entertainment and with the advent of DVRs and Netflix it's nearly impossible to have an excuse for why you have never seen Game of Thrones. The only two options for you are:
1. Tell people, "I actually don't own a TV," but then you go from being washed (and cool) to being an Untouchable.
2. Fall asleep while watching them so you have the excuse that you are "getting caught up."
I have dozed off during John Woo's 1992 classic Hard Boiled three times in the last 7 days. I haven't even made it past 30 minutes. Since I'm not sure exactly at what point I fell asleep, I have to start back at the beginning each time.
I fell asleep during True Detective's fourth episode and didn't even know it. I started watching last week's episode and realized I had no clue what was going on. I had to go back and rewatch, but I fell asleep again. I may never actually finish this season and I'm okay with that realization. I mean, I never planned to. Shit sucks.
Be Tired All The Time Despite Being Rested
Did you really think that just because you got 14 hours of sleep that you were supposed to be energized? No, you are still going to be tired because you got too much sleep, which makes you need more sleep. It's a lovely Perm Press cycle.
Start Taking Vitamins
Vitamins are actually very cool. The way they just eliminate free radicals and stop inflammation in your joints when the barometric pressure drops below 30" >>>>>>.
1.
You don't have to be swaggerless and nibble on some Flintstones chewables. Get creative! Buttchug some melted down Krill Oil. Maybe even pour a four of Centrum Liquid in a 2-liter of Sprite #sponsored.
about to smoke a glucosamine blunt I'm so washed
— Roc (@ROCMODERNLIFE) July 19, 2015
Don't Finish Any Beer You Ever Order
This sounds wasteful, but it's not intentional. A few swigs of alcohol will make you tired. (And you are, remember? You are sleeping 14 hours a day. What are you even doing out at a bar/restaurant ordering a beer?) You won't even be able to make it all the way through that hoppy IPA before feeling like you need a quick 4 hour catnap.
Never Go Outside
Earl tried to tell you, but you didn't listen. Outside is trash. Inside is classic. Since you are taking all those aforementioned vitamins, you don't need to rely on the sun for Vitamin D.
And since I wrote that sentence as a segue for me to talk about how the Sun is garbage, let's talk about how the sun is garbage: First, it is unnecessarily hot. Second, you can't even look directly at it without it harming you like a Basilisk. Third, the baby from Teletubbies was creepy and haunts my dreams to this day. Without an actual sun, he doesn't exist. Fourth, its cartoon depiction always has it wearing sunglasses like some chill bro, but since it is the sun, it doesn't need shelter from its own light or need to protect it's stupid hydrogen eyes from its own UV rays. Seriously, sheeple, wake the fuck up. Why is the government trying so hard to convince us that the sun is cool? Fuck the sun.
There is literally no reason to ever leave your home.
Stop Doing Things Altogether
Don't do things. Ever. Even if something sounds like fun, don't. The concept of "fun" should repulse you. The idea of having to go anywhere outside of your abode should fill you with so much anxiety that you collapse on the bathroom floor and shake for several hours. Once your body has softened from atrophy, it will be difficult to do things anyways. Your body will hurt for no reason. If you even look at a basketball, you'll pull a groin muscle. God forbid you actually play a game of pick-up.
Still make plans to do things, though. Remember, we are going for "washed" not "leper." Give non-answers to all invites. For example:
Coworker: "Want to hit happy hour with us after work?"
You: "Conceivably."
***
Friend: "We're fam building at Beloved this Saturday, you in?"
You: "I'll see if I can swing it."
***
Mom: "Your grandmother's funeral is tomorrow. Can you be a pallbearer?"
You: "Perchance."
After enough times, there will be a tacit understanding that you will not be at anything ever and people will stop asking.
Don't Do Anything In A Timely Manner
I sent Lawrence the pitch for this "article" on June 2, 2015. I was too busy sleeping and hating myself to get it done until now. Do I care? As long as that sweet $20 check from Complex clears, nope.
Lose Interest In Your Passions
Part of achieving this will happen naturally because you won't have as much time to stay on top of things that you care about. However, there are still those pesky 10 hours when you aren't sleeping and you may be tempted to read an Internet Website. Though I wouldn’t recommend that, it's okay because you quickly realize how out of touch you are and subsequently abandon it completely out of frustration.
I used to design and install home theaters and lighting control systems...but that…that was before the war...things are different now. I have no clue what a 4K TV is. I am genuinely frightened of curved televisions. I used to be an early adopter. I used to understand and love technology. I am now confused by Snapchat.
Rebuke Youth Culture
Once you are truly out of touch with the world, you will become angry, angry at the freedom that others have, specifically The Youth and, like, whatever the hell it is they are doing. Their innovation scares you. Their happiness befuddles you. Their exuberance vexes you.
I am personally scared of all teens because I know at a moment's notice they could reduce me from man to meme in a viral second. Maybe they invented a new BOFA approach I'm not aware of? Maybe they make me the star of a popular Vine? Maybe one of them straight up tweets me that I'm a "Cell Phone Hip Case Wearing Aaron Carter With a Pituitary Gland Problem Face Ass Lookin Boy." To all Cool Teens™, please do not own me on the web. I beg you.
Spend a few hours a week shouting at some stupid altostratus to keep your vocal cords warm for when you need to tell some children to get off your lawn. The world was a better place when you were growing up, that's for damn sure.
Get Into A Relationship
Every great artist and tweeter's demise started the moment they found love and happiness. Examples of this are many and wide-reaching, including, but not limited to: Future, Nayvadius Cash, Future Hendrix, Astronaut Kid and Super Future. Get out there on Christian Mingle! Find a life mate and start your transformation into an anthropomorphized laundromat.
Have a Child
Adopting or making a child the old fashioned way is a Game Genie for washedness. Jay Z went from the epitome of cool to whatever this is and this and this, oh, and also this.
Your entire life gets consumed by responsibility and you are forced to channel your remaining dwindling reserves of care on a baby. Soon, you cannot hold a conversation without talking about your baby. Your social media feeds are now only about your baby. Eventually, you devolve and become a baby yourself.
Don’t Care That You Are Washed
Take pride in itlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Sorry, I dozed off for a second there. I am so washed! LOL! I don't really care about finishing this piece because the current time of me writing this is 5:25pm and it's way past my bed time. Goodnight, my babies.
Footnotes:
¹ For the record, the author has done much sex. [Editor's Note: This claim is probably not true.]
Justin Roberson is a writer living in the spin cycle. Follow him on Twitter here.
