I never truly appreciated the Men's Clothing section of Walmart until I purchased the Burger shirt you see above. As a child, I depended on Walmart for athletic socks and sweatpants, but it was only as a drunken adult, keeping my boredom at bay through the neon aisles, that I realized how gloriously ridiculous their clothes are. Reliably, there's a hearty dose of patriotic red, white, and blue—with a hint of nostalgia. Perhaps that's why one of their in-house lines is called "Faded Glory."
There's guaranteed to be pop culture-referential gear, from stoner mainstays like Bob Marley to Bible Belt-heroes like the cast of Duck Dynasty, and other extremely marketable icons who have become multi-national brands unto themselves. But once you get past the Lynyrd Skynyrd shirts, the bald eagles, and the Looney Tunes tees, things get weird. Unlike frozen pizza or toilet brushes, what Americans want to wear is not a sure bet, and judging by the clothes at Wal-Mart, even megacorporations have no clue where to start. Luckily for us, their guesses are often hilarious. Here are The Most Ridiculous T-shirts Currently For Sale At Walmart.
Bandana Sublimation Men's Graphic Tee
"I've Got the Nuts and I'm All In!!" Poker Gambling T-Shirt
"Sweet Gnome Alabama" Graphic Tee
Corny-ass puns on pop culture tropes are an essential element of Walmart's tee game. Though this is our favorite example, it is by no means the only attempt to cash in on decades old pop culture with weak humor. Case in point?
"Redneck Dynasty" Duck Hunting T-Shirt
"Great Dads Get Promoted to Grandpa" Graphic Tee
"Jesus Loves You But I'm His Favorite" Graphic Tee
Sarcasm Men's Graphic Tee
"Make It Rain" Graphic Tee
Coke Men's Graphic Tee "Trade My Girlfriend"
Men's Fantasy Football Machine T-Shirt
Men's EggNog Tee
Oh, you thought the "Keep Calm" meme was over? Buddy, it's far from over. When a meme reaches holiday apparel levels of cultural infiltration, it means that your children may very well be wearing "Keep Calm and Marry A Robot" graphic tees half a century from now.
And don't worry. There's a whole lot more meme where that shirt came from:
Popeye DJ Men's Graphic Tee
"Better Together" Couples Valentine's Day T-Shirt
\A sad, desperate man stares blankly at the television. He doesn't move. It look like he hasn't moved in days. He is shoeless, though his slippers sit a few feet away from the recliner he's worn a deep groove into over the past week. He wears an old, ratty pair of boxer shorts. The elastic wore out a long time ago. His t-shirt, stained with pizza sauce, french fry grease, and dried drips of ice cream reads, "BET TOGE."
Joe, a concerned friend, stops by the house to see how he's doing.
"Hey buddy. How you holding up?" he says to the man, though he might as well have said it to the brick wall or the steady, vacant hum of the television. "Sorry about Kristen, man. You'll bounce back. You're strong."
Again, no response.
"Well I'll leave you to it, but you might want to change your clothes. You're smelling pretty fresh. And what's Bet Toge?"
If only he knew ...
Hot and Dirty Firefighter T-Shirt
If I was taught one thing growing up in rural Pennsylvania, it is that any criticism of the military, police, or firemen is inherently wrong whether you're critiquing the military industrial complex, police brutality, or how stupid their fucking T-shirt is.
Today, I take a stand. Today, I say this T-shirt is really stupid.
And so is this one:
And also this one:
Thank you to the brave men and women who put their lives on the line so that I can tell them that the T-shirts they purchase from Walmart are actually terrible.
Cymbal Monkey 3D Effect T-Shirt
The Mountain, makers of these creepy animal tees have produced some pretty grotesque products over the years:
But we have to give first place to Cymbal Monkey, because that T-shirt is straight-up terrifying.