The NBA playoffs are in full swing as I'm sure you've heard from your mildly racist coworker, Phil, who insists college basketball is better because they try harder. Listen, Phils of the world, college basketball is a dope way to escape your horrible life every March. But what if I told you there was a league where all the best players from college basketball go to play each other every night and they get paid to do so? Pretty sick, right?
The playoffs are not only a time for the best teams in each division to compete against each other, it's also an opportunity for players to see who can dress the best, which is what makes the absence of known legend Russell Westbrook so hard to stomach. It doesn't matter how many threes you make a night if you leave the stadium looking like the kid in the prom party who told me my fit sucked, but then his date said was fire. The only thing that matters in life is how good you look. You could have zero dollars in your bank account, but as long as you look put together, the world won't know how much of a disappointment you are to your parents.
We hold NBA players to the same sartorial standard we do our loyal readers. If you make a million dollars (or more) a year, there's no excuse for you to look bummy at any time. Sure, responsible journalistic websites have run their playoff previews and predictions using things like "stats" to determine the potential winners, but here at Four Pins we don't believe in things like "advanced metrics" and "actually watching the games." So, we made up our own rules. Here's the science behind it:
The Per Swagita Index
-Location (out of 5)
-Number of White Players (-.5 per)
-Number of Players Over 30 (-.5 per)
-Number of Dope Players (+1 per)
-Team Aesthetic (0ut of 5)
Now, here's a quick explanation of how this shit works: A team based in Los Angeles or New York is going to have an advantage over a team based in Milwaukee or Cleveland. The more white dudes you have on your team, the less likely it is that your team is cool and the more players over 30 on your team, the more likely it is that your team will collectively brick a group picture. Along those same lines, a player like LeBron is going to have a much higher Player Dopeness Score than, say, Mason Plumlee. Finally, the fifth criteria is rather self-explanatory, but basically it boils down to how fire your jerseys, logo, etc. happen to be. If there are any tiebreaker situations, the winner will be determined based off my personal preference. Without further ado, we're pleased to present the Official Four Pins NBA Playoff Power Rankings.
2.
16. San Antonio Spurs
Location: 3
Number of White Players: 4
Number of Players Over 30: 5
Number of Dope Players: 1
Team Aesthetic: 2
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 1.5
Odds of Winning a Championship: 8/1
Even though the Spurs are the best team of the last decade, they're consistently the most swagless as well. I mean, just look at how Tim Duncan dresses. Couple that with an average city and bland jerseys and there you have it, folks. But don't count San Antonio out, they've overcome their swaglessness many times before.
4.
15. Milwaukee Bucks
Location: 1
Number of White Players: 3
Number of Players Over 30: 1
Number of Dope Players: 2
Team Aesthetic: 2
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 3
Odds of Winning a Championship: 500/1
Unfortunately, the Bucks are the first team to fall victim to the algorithm. Milwaukee isn't a desirable location, let's be honest. Plus, their overall team aesthetic is below average, which is a shame for a team who had one of the best jerseys of the '90s. Not even Giannis and a court-side Jabari could save them.
6.
14. Memphis Grizzlies
Location: 4
Number of White Players: 5
Number of Players Over 30: 4
Number of Dope Players: 1
Team Aesthetic: 3
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 3.5
Odds of Winning a Championship: 25/1
Memphis is one of those teams I constantly forget exists. Don't get me wrong, they're really fucking good at playing basketball. They're just so boring, I don't think about them, like, ever. Their team identity is commitment to playing defense (swagless) and their best player is a center (also swagless). The only thing they have going for them is they're located in a cool city and Justin Timberlake is a minority owner.
8.
13. Cleveland Cavaliers
Location: 2
Number of White Players: 6
Number of Players Over 30: 5
Number of Dope Players: 4
Team Aesthetic: 3
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 3.5
Odds of Winning a Championship: 11/5
When LeBron is on your team, you're always going to be a favorite to win a championship. Not even the-best-player-who-may-be-better-than-Jordan-but-is-definitely-the-best-player-since-Jordan can save the Cavaliers from a swagless death. I have a few friends in Cleveland who tell me it isn't a beige hell hole and I am inclined to believe them. However, pretty much any team located in the Midwest is going to score low. The fact of the matter is, in their current jerseys (what a waste of a great colorway) and the fact that the team is so old and caucasoidal, not even the young prince J.R. Smith could inject swag into this squad.
10.
12. Houston Rockets
Location: 3
Number of White Players: 3
Number of Players Over 30: 3
Number of Dope Players: 1
Team Aesthetic: 3
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 4
Odds of Winning a Championship: 15/1
The first person who ever said my writing sucked online was a Houston fan, so fuck them for life. Because I'm a trustworthy journalist, I set aside my petty feelings to give the Rockets a fair shot and they still clocked in the bottom five. You can't hide corniness from science. Fuck the Rockets.
12.
11. Dallas Mavericks
Location: 3
Number of White Players: 2
Number of Players Over 30: 5
Number of Dope Players: 1
Team Aesthetic: 3
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 4
Odds of Winning a Championship: 100/1
At the start of the season, Dallas was poised to be a competitive playoff team. Then they traded for Rajon Rondo, known hater. Since that fateful deal, they've slowly skidded to a halt, somehow managing to hang onto the seven seed in the West, but it hasn't been pretty, which is a shame because Dirk Nowitzki is a confirmed dope person who deserves to end one of his presumed last seasons on a better note than this shit.
14.
10. Brooklyn Nets
Location: 5
Number of White Players: 4
Number of Players Over 30: 3
Number of Dope Players: 1
Team Aesthetic: 3
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 5.5
Odds of Winning a Championship: 600/1
Brooklyn went from the most hateable team last year to the most "Oh yeah, they still play professional basketball" team this year. There's not really a whole lot they can do to remedy themselves when their best player is an injury-prone center and their owner is a Russian billionaire who probably doesn't remember he owns a professional sports team. They could start by making black, white and grey—the hardest colorway to screw up—into better looking jerseys and cutting swagless life form Deron Williams.
16.
9. Washington Wizards
Location: 4
Number of White Players: 1
Number of Players Over 30: 6
Number of Dope Players: 2
Team Aesthetic: 3
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 5.5
Odds of Winning a Championship: 75/1
The Wizards are a rapper who won't be named, but called into the Complex offices to complain about a list's favorite team, which automatically should put them in last. But I trust science and so should you. Before I conducted this experiment, I had no idea how old the Wizards were, which is a bummer for them because this is the key reason they scored so low. Oh well.
18.
8. New Orleans Pelicans
Location: 4
Number of White Players: 5
Number of Players Over 30: 0
Number of Dope Players: 1
Team Aesthetic: 3
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 5.5
Odds of Winning a Championship: 350/1
Anthony Davis is so dope he should be worth at least five points on his own. Alas, that's not how "science" and "numbers" work. As a community who loves basketball, we need to come together and crowdfund Monty Williams being fired. Please let The Brow™ flourish.
20.
7. Boston Celtics
Location: 3
Number of White Players: 4
Number of Players Over 30: 1
Number of Dope Players: 1
Team Aesthetic: 5
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 6.5
Odds of Winning a Championship: 450/1
The Celtics are confirmed the least cool team that's also widely loved by a large grip of people. They're just so...I don't have the words. But their best player of the last decade was Paul Pierce, which tells you everything you need to know about Boston. Hopefully, LeBron will beat them handily in four games, so we don't have to watch Tyler Zeller play basketball anymore.
22.
6. Atlanta Hawks
Location: 5
Number of White Players: 3
Number of Players Over 30: 3
Number of Dope Players: 2
Team Aesthetic: 3
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 7
Odds of Winning a Championship: 12/1
If we're being honest with ourselves, the Hawks should be in the top five. They're located in Atlanta, home of Gucci Mane, their stadium organist, Sir Foster, strictly plays deep-cut rap slappers during games and if they went back to their throwback unis from the '90s they'd easily be top-two.
24.
5. Los Angeles Clippers
Location: 5
Number of White Players: 3
Number of Players Over 30: 4
Number of Dope Players: 3
Team Aesthetic: 3
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 7.5
Odds of Winning a Championship: 10/1
As I was writing this, I realized just how polarizing the Clippers actually are. They're the center circle in the venn diagram of "annoying as hell" and "entertaining as hell." On the one hand, Chris Paul complains about every call that does't go his way and is a serial flopper. On the other, have you seen Blake Griffin finish a fastbreak alley-oop, fam? It's like watching Christ being born.
26.
4. Portland Trail Blazers
Location: 4
Number of White Players: 4
Number of Players Over 30: 2
Number of Dope Players: 3
Team Aesthetic: 4
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 8
Odds of Winning a Championship: 125/1
Portland is a dope team in a dope city who has one of the best set of jerseys in the league. Their collective sneaker prowess has been well-documented and they're probably the only team who watched Kanye's NYFW presentation as a team building exercise. Plus, I ran into Damian Lillard while we were both shopping in Portland. If I could put them higher, I would.
28.
3. Toronto Raptors
Location: 5
Number of White Players: 3
Number of Players Over 30: 1
Number of Dope Players: 1
Team Aesthetic: 4
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 8
Odds of Winning a Championship: 100/1
The Raptors are the outlier of this experiment. There's absolutely no reason they should be a top three team. Their aesthetic is dope and Toronto as a city is cool too, but just look at their team. The only reason they even have a dope player is because Drake shouted out Lou Williams on a song. Science is fucking stupid.
30.
2. Chicago Bulls
Location: 5
Number of White Players: 6
Number of Players Over 30: 4
Number of Dope Players: 3
Team Aesthetic: 5
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 8
Odds of Winning a Championship: 15/1
The Bulls are historically the coolest team of the last two decades and they probably will be for the next two as long as they keep getting dope players. Sure, Michael Jordan helped shape most of their legacy, which is what happens when you win six championships. But, their jerseys, logo and city are all iconic and they have a genuinely cool squad to match. Getting past LeBron is gonna be tough, but there's not a swaggier team to represent the East than these guys.
32.
1. Golden State Warriors
Location: 4
Number of White Players: 3
Number of Players Over 30: 3
Number of Dope Players: 2
Team Aesthetic: 5
Total Per Swagita Index Score: 8
Odds of Winning a Championship: 9/5
Golden State is what would happen if the Spurs read Four Pins once. They're the pinnacle of ball movement and team-oriented defense, wrapped up in millennial packaging. Remember when the entire roster danced to "CoCo" on the team plane? Or one of the 69,420 times Steph Curry turned around before his three even went in? They deserve the number one spot.
Final Verdict:
All you nerds who said science wouldn't work must be so fucking mad right now. Yes, my algorithm concluded the crowd favorite to win the Finals is also the waviest out. How does it feel to know I've created the most reliable bit of science #content since some dork discovered gravity? I will accept my Nobel Prize in the form of Klout perks.
[Lead image via WIUX, NBA team logos via Sports Logos]
Alex Hancock has a degree in Rankings Science from Thinkpiece University. Follow him on Twitter here.
