How Glenn Beck's Line of Women's Clothing Will Help Us Defeat ISIS

Glenn Beck is making womenswear to save America. Here's how it can help us defeat ISIS. Or not.

Not Available Lead
Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

Not Available Lead

Yesterday, our great nation was given the most beautiful, radiant dose of truth since Sarah Palin started her subscription-based digital channel: Glenn Beck has launched a clothing line for women. I've always been a believer that we should be getting our garments and our demagoguery from the same sources, but if you aren't as convinced as I am that the best designers are pro-intelligent design, let Glenn explain it to you.

Glenn took a daring, forward-thinking approach to announce his new line for ladies:  he posted a self-congratulatory rant on Facebook. The whole thing is an amazing exercise in self-righteousness, even by Facebook's standards. Here is a choice passage:

"God forbid a designer makes anything cool that would fit [my daughter]! Most American women are shaped like Norma Jean not the 12 year old boy shaped models covering the walls of the 'cool stores'.

As I wiped the quiet and hidden tears away store after store as she was told, 'oh, no, it doesn't come in that size.' I made myself a promise.

I wasn't famous or rich at the time, but I vowed if I ever had a chance I would start a fashion line that was cool, hip, and great quality that would come in sizes that would fit my Marilyn.

Today I make good on that promise. 1791 is proud to announce our new line of women's denim. We begin with denim jacket and jeans."

We begin with denim jackets, then we move on to mansplaining  body shaming issues, then to reclaiming our country's glory. This is what makes American great.

I am sure there are some of you who don't believe in the healing power of Beck's denim. Trust me, these jeans, jackets, and folksy/hipstery libertarian t-shirts are going to be the key to America's coming salvation. The only way to defeat our enemies who abhor American decadence is to purchase a $200 pairs of jeans and a $200 axe to go with them. Here's How Glenn Beck's Line of Women's Clothing Will Help Us Defeat ISIS.

 

"Great American Shirtdress"

Not Available Interstitial

"Dangerous Freedom Over Peaceful Slavery" T-Shirt

Not Available Interstitial

"Topsy The Elephant" T-Shirt

Not Available Interstitial

Creepy Oil Painting

Not Available Interstitial

"Buffalo Freedom Fashion Fit" T-Shirt

Not Available Interstitial

America's enemies need to understand that we will not simply destroy you. After we destroy you, we will put you on a t-shirt alongside the American flag. In the mid-19th century, there were millions of buffalo in the United States. By the end of the 1800s, there were 300. 


As the United States built the Transcontinental Railroad, the U.S. exterminated buffalo and continued its campaign of genocide against the Native Americans in order to clear the path. Now t-shirts bearing the images of buffalo and Native Americans can be found at gas stations across this great nation.

How it will defeat ISIS: They will be driven mad at the fact that "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" is a grammatically correct sentence.

 

Native American Teepee Wool Pillow

Not Available Interstitial

"Handsome Dan" Football

Not Available Interstitial

"1791 Stands With the NRA" T-Shirt

Not Available Interstitial

"Hard Times Made Us" Coin

Not Available Interstitial

Lincoln Axe

Not Available Interstitial

Latest in Style