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A few weeks ago, I was in NYC for my other kind of work when, the night I was supposed to jet out, a snow storm hit, bringing with it an extra day grounded on the fair isle of Manhattan. I woke up that next morning, kissed my Bowery Bear good morning and looked at the Internet on my phone until it led me to the Complex office elevators to surprise my old college friend and current editor, Larry Schlossman (and not at all because I wanted to meet the kangaroo court of Atlanta aka Migos or, really, whomever). But the guy manning the key that unlocks levels of the building's elevators didn't give me a pass or a floor number, so I got stuck riding it up and down like a dumbwaiter in a house full of picky eaters. And because the Complex elevators are lined with lead to scramble insurgent comms, my Larry-bound "LMAO SOS FAM" distress DMs failed to send. These are the things I overheard during my hour-long joyride:
"A formula for when a hypebeast at an industry party asks you to guess how much his sneakers cost: Take how old he looks, drink 3 comped bubblies, look at his shoes twice, save your eyerolls for the retelling and just say fifty bucks."
A: "Finally got one of those exercise ball chairs."
B: "You feel any different?"
A: "Like I'm way better than the rest of you."
"So lemme get this straight. 'Camera ready' equals hot? 'Between movies' equals not hot? 'Crumpleface' equals ugly crying?”
A: "Visited my parents' new place in Iowa this weekend."
A: "That place has a million people and, like, a dozen last names."
"BrooOoo, just had a tattoo idea: latitude and longitude of where you first heard Yeezus."
A: "I'm supposed to hit the Polo Bar later tonight."
B: "Heard that place'll gut you, fam."
A: "Nah, they've had a price cut since opening, which means the owners will only get to race ponies instead of unicorns, and that shows real sacrifice."
A: "Drake says the first million is the hardest."
B: "Pfft. First million what, fuccboi?"
A: "First million times you get called 'fuccboi.'"
"Look, I didn't mean to have so much fur in my 'grams. It just happened that way."
A: "Peep this pickup line you need to try."
*A inching his finger toward B's right eye. Just before contact, B shuts right eyelid.*
A: "Ayyy girl, did you just wink at me?"
"Clothes don't make you happy. I now have 6 bombers and was just as happy when I had 5 bombers."
"My parents are in town and scooping me up for lunch today so I bought a bonsai tree. Nothing says you're in control of your life quite like a bonsai tree on your desk."
"I wanna be as lit as you are when I grow up. Or when you grow up, whichever happens first."
"My little Cape Verdean grandfather would point at his left fist and whisper 'hospital,' then point to his right fist and whisper 'cementerio' and start laughing. He was so little!"
"If you ever think no one cares you're alive, try missing a couple student loan payments."
*A finishing a joke I couldn't quite hear.*
B: "I don't get it."
A: "If by 'it' you mean my respect, then yes."
"Ralph doesn't do what Ralph does for Ralph. Ralph does what Ralph does because Ralph is RALPH."
*Cute girl gets on elevator, rides 3 floors, then gets off.*
A: "Whoops. Fell in love."
Rick Morrison is a writer living in North Carolina. Follow him on Twitter here.