By: Who gives a fuck?

Your justification: "But I look like a 1920s private eye and/or Justin Timberlake."

Why you're wrong: You don't. And you don't. You look like a Redditor/pick-up artist/neckbeard who will try to friend me on Facebook so they can send personal attacks to me and my family after they're offended I made fun of fedoras on an Internet list.