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The resident swag lords of the best menswear website on the Internet school you on the basics of the alphet-bet.

Is it wrong to dress head to toe in one brand? Like, even if it’s a dope brand, is it still weird or is it a power move? Basically, is it OK for me to dress completely in Engineered Garments?

People who are perturbed by others who wear one brand need to step off. Wearing one brand head-to-toe isn’t weird or a power move. It just shows how much you like that particular brand. Now, it does depend on the brand—if one of my friends rolled up in head to toe Visvim, that is a huge fucking flex because we’re all young, ugly, and broke. I don’t think I’d be able to be friends with him anymore. But EG? John Elliott? That’s totally fine. The only thing you need to be wary of is color. With EG, it’s easy to look like a giant pimento olive or a Vietnam War vet. Try to avoid that. — Skylar Bergl

Are boots essential in the winter months or can you survive with sneakers?

This is a blanket question that depends a lot on where you happen to spend your winters, so thanks a lot for completely fucking bricking the seemingly rudimentary task of inquiring about seasonal footwear. With that said, you’re still gonna get in the magazine because (1) we have zero integrity, and (2) sneakers get repped so hard around these parts that it’s crucial we weigh in here. Right, so, assuming you live somewhere that gets bukkake’d with snow and sleet, you’re gonna need boots. Why would you even take on the potential risk of exposing any of your kicks, fire or otherwise, to winter abuse? That’s the kind of parenting that enables the state to swoop in and scoop up your kids. Get some Timbs, put your sneakers on metaphorical ice, and table your top-down ’gram stunting until it’s at least 60 degrees out. — Lawrence Schlossman

How do you stay relevant when living in the suburbs without being a fuccboi?

HELLO, YOU READ FOUR PINS! Although TBQH, living in the suburbs is often the fuel that fires a lot of creativity and awesomeness. There’s something about the isolation of living in subdivisions and the crushing weight of the pressure to conform that leads cool guys to eventually move to New York and get jobs at Complex Media and then—BOOM!—you’re writing an advice column in a real-life magazine. But for real, with the Internet and the existence of Four Pins there’s no excuse for being a fuccboi. Even living in the godforsaken suburban wastelands of America can be overcome with a high-speed Internet connection and these missives of advice from Mount Olympus. — Jon Moy

I’m having trouble converting the raw material that is my extensive knowledge of men’s clothing into sex...with women. Hope you can help.

I have a bit of a bombshell for you—no matter how extensive your knowledge of ANY subject is, having sex with anyone, women included, will always be difficult. I went to school with smart guys and their knowledge of dark matter and contributions to the production of the Higgs Boson particle had no bearing on their success in the bedroom. And now I hang out with certified style Illuminati all the time and they might as well be celibate monks. The take-home is that all you need to trick a lady into deciding that coitus with you is not a regrettable life decision is to respect them and their wishes and not be a terrible person. Like, chew with your mouth closed and maintain general levels of decorum. I’m a firm believer that just like there’s an alphet for everybody, there’s a special someone for everybody out there. You just gotta find them. Good luck and remember to chew with your mouth closed. — J.M.

Is the length of your scarf heavily correlated to your overall stunt level?

Ay, initiate dick measuring contest in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1. For real though, YES, the length of your scarf is directly correlated to one’s overall stunting. Consider the limited number of ways you can wear a chode-like piece of fabric draped limply around your neck. In this case, size does matter. Whether you plan on letting your stole hang low or knotted up so your neck’s in some type of elaborate Chinese finger trap, more length equals more options. Thank you, dear reader, for letting me get off a year’s worth of wiener jokes in a single paragraph. Oops, I did it again. — L.S. 

Shorts over tights or nah?

In a workout scenario, I’m 100 percent OK with shorts over tights. You’re getting active™, taking care of your body to make sure you can still fit in your favorite jawnz. And I know you’re conscious about the size of your bulge, so you need to layer those shorts over the tights. But in the office? Meeting your girlfriend’s parents? Out to dinner at a nice restaurant? I’m not sure. Of course, the nature of the shorts and tights is v. crucial. You’re not pairing Nike running tights with khaki cargo shorts, I HOPE TO GOD. I own a pair of tight sweatpants with mesh shorts attached to them, so they’re actually one clothing item. I honestly think that is the safest route. It makes it look like you didn’t consciously go out of your way to put two garments on your lower body. When in doubt, reserve the tights for a day when it doesn’t matter what covers your hindquarters. — S.B.

This feature originally appeared in the December/January issue of Complex.

Illustration by Duke Aber

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