15 Ridiculous Grooming Products That Will Improve Your Life but Ruin You Financially

Image via Complex Original

Buy it here, $29

While $29 isn't a lot of money, it's certainly a lot of money to spend on covering up dookie stank. These "post-poo" drops from A.P.C. and Aesop are an indulgence that will help your bathroom stay breezy and save you from a potentially embarrassing situation, all with class and quality minimalism. Or, you know, you could use a match.

Buy it here, $58

You need a coarse-hair brush for your fingernails? D.R. Harris has you covered. Why cop a brush from a drugstore when you can cop one made of imitation ivory and looks like it's direct from the set of Boardwalk Empire.

Buy it here, $100

Buy it here, $100

FOH Crest and Colgate, and enter Theodent 300. Nothing is a bigger flex than $100 toothpaste. Forget that it lacks the common toothpaste cleaning ingredient fluoride, you can rest smugly in the fact that it's made with Rennou, which is a derivative of the cocoa bean. When you're blowing money fast, you can officially brush your teeth with chocolate.

Buy it here, $115

This cream is effectively just face moisturizer with algae, jasmine, and a few botanicals in it. We can't tell where the algae is from, but it's gotta be from some place special to command this high a price.

Buy it here, $140

Wanna upgrade from Head and Shoulders? If you've recently discovered an oil well in your backyard, then consider switching over to this Russian Amber shampoo from Philip B. “Channeling the opulence of the Romanov dynasty,” you better make sure you don't spill any in the tub. 

Buy it here, $195

This toothbrush, with rechargeable base, two modes, and an automatic 30-second timer to tell you when to brush a different “quadrant of your mouth,” is one of the most over-the-top things you can add to your grooming regimen. Does this mean we can finally stop flossing?

Buy it here, $199

And you thought splashing on some soap and water was an adequate way of washing your face. With a sonic frequency of 300 movements, this brush is meant to clean pores, remove dirt, and freshen skin at the highest levels possible. We assume can also be used as a high-powered sneaker cleaner.

Buy it here, $280

In your den of luxury, the only type of gypsy allowed  is the scent of a nomadic peoples and their spices. True monetary lords know that paying fistfuls of money to smell like a group of humans they repeatedly trample upon is a true sign of wealth.

Buy it here, $295

Handcrafted from hardened steel and American mettle, this hand razor is not only old-school, but also roughly 30 times more expensive than your typical drugstore blade. Considering that most guys don't even know how to properly use a razor like this these days, much less afford it, this is a serious splurge, but could conceivably last a few generations.

Buy it here, $299

This is a face messager, plain and simple. Sure its “8,000 T-Sonic™ pulsations across the dermal layer” of your skin will drive out impurities and blemishes, but do you have any idea how ridiculous you look when you get caught by friends or family rubbing this on your face?

Buy it here, $360

With enough slots for all of your gold-digger side pieces, this toothbrush holder—complete with shiny chrome and bone china construction—is a perfect complementary accessory to other rich-person bathroom items, like a gilded bidet.

Buy it here, $515

If you hit the lottery or became homies with a sheik, throw away your disposable razor and cop this. Because when you're balling out of control, things like "fine badger hair" and "woody notes with bergamot and sandalwood" should be present in your morning routine.

Buy it here, $700

Probably the most absurd item you can decide to cop, this helmet/headphones/space-age torture device supposedly helps grow and thicken your hair by using LED lights. We imagine it works like the time machine in Napoleon Dynamite.