The resident swag lords of the best menswear website on the Internet school you on the basics of the alphet-bet.
Can basic dudes pull off weird sneakers like Visvim FBTs?
How basic are you? Are you Uggs, yoga pants, and North Face basic? Then no. Stick to what you know. But if you’re anything other than a total basic, fear not—you, too, can wear weird sneakers. For some reason, people think you have to be weird to rock weird sneakers. Utterly fucking false. You just have to be ready to be on the receiving end of a few looks. But hey, that’s usually a good thing. Since I’m a narcissist, I like to walk around New York with my sunglasses on and spy on people looking at my shoes. This can be your life, if you choose to accept it.
Truth: Human interaction is so uncomfortable that people make small talk and look down a lot. That’s why shoes get way more attention than anything else—I can’t even remember the last time someone complimented a shirt or a pair of pants I was wearing, and let’s be real, everything I wear deserves heapings of praise. So wear those sneakers that catch eyes. Just make sure the rest of your alphet remains simple, so they’re the focal point. Don’t make things weird. — Skylar Bergl
How do I keep these hoes loyal?
Hoes, by definition, are not loyal, which is why that song we incessantly hear on the radio is redundant, if not a lot of other complicated things that require analysis much too thoughtful for a column this immature. PSYCH! That last statement was a trap! If you still listen to the radio you are a “poor” and have no business associating with a high-end media brand such as Four Pins. If you are rich as fuck like us, you may proceed. Right—so hoes are hoes and hoes are not to be trusted. Stop whatever it is you are doing in a vain attempt to flip a hoe into a trustworthy emotional confidante. In fact, jettison any and all hoes from your life. Imagine all the money you’ll save! Imagine all the feels you’ll avoid! Welcome the new, hoe-less you to the future. Please take a number and have a seat. Life’s bountiful rewards will be with you shortly. — Lawrence Schlossman
If your alphet is on point but you’re wearing struglord non-expensive jeans, how many swag points do you lose?
Well, that all depends on how obviously strug your jeans happen to be. Lots of brands today are making low-end versions of high-end styles, ranging from selvedge, to bikers, to everything in between. Granted, you should never purchase, let alone wear, cheap jeans that scream “CHEAP!” If you’re going the strug lord route, only you should know. So, with that being said, fit is paramount. Some cheap, nondescript skinnies look the same as expensive, nondescript skinnies, assuming they both look the same on your hindquarters.
It’s only when you start looking for “affordable” denim with a fuckton of hardware (zippers! graphics! details! more details!) that your garment-related deception starts to unravel. Moral of the story: If you’re broke, but want fire jeans, you probably want to keep them as basic as possible (i.e., black) until you get rich and can actually afford to floss in some rare weaves. — L.S.
I’ve already incorporated crucially dope hemlines and necklines into my basic T-shirts, but I need to know what to do with the gap between my tees and Nikes! What would your recommend for the bottom half of my alphet when it’s too hot for pants?
I’m not tryna be a dick here, my guy, I’m glad you’re taking into account the health of your junk, but when it’s too hot for pants your only option is shorts (or a skirt). I’m not saying don’t wear a skirt, all I’m saying is, based on your question, you’re probably not ready for a leather kilt yet. So I would invest in some shorts. They’re just like pants, but shorter. They even have pockets and everything. If you want, you can rock some drop-crotch shorts à la Rick Owens. Or take a page from your friends who talk about hiking the Appalachian Trail while smoking loud and eating vegan trail mix—wear some dope shorts that are actually pants but the lower half of the leg zips off. I’m currently wearing a pair from the North Face and I’m not sweating at all. McNairy and Engineered Garments make shorts that seemed to be inspired by the outdoorsman aesthetic.
Also, jorts are a good option. I would look for some vintage Cross Colours jorts, which are the Polo “Snow Beach” anorak of jorts. Embracing shorts is like that moment when you transitioned from tighty-whities to boxers. It’s so fucking liberating. There’s nothing like being able to enjoy a rooftop BBQ without having your genitals stewing in a mixture of hot air trapped by thick denim, sweat, and friction. TIGHT JEANS ARE ANATHEMA TO DICKBALLS FUN TIME. — Jon Moy
How do you treat a hella expensive leather wallet? You can polish shoes, but that seems like a totally not good thing to do with something that goes in your pocket.
You treat a “hella expensive leather wallet” like a misogynist treats women—poorly. The meaner you are to leather, the better it works. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SAY THIS, BUT DO NOT TREAT WOMEN POORLY. EVER. THAT SHIT IS NOT COOL. I’ve had the same wallet that I got for $Free.99 from a fancy leather wallet company for like five years and never once have I treated it or polished it or anything. And it looks awesome.
If you’re really worried about it, every once in a while, just wipe it down with a clean damp cloth and maybe rub a little leather conditioner on it. But I wouldn’t ever polish a wallet. The oils from your hands will darken it over time and, unless it starts to get really brittle or crack, you shouldn’t have too much of a problem. In fact, the only way to properly treat a “hella expensive leather wallet” is to stuff it full of cash money. If you don’t have at least two hundo in your “hella expensive wallet” at all times, you better have a banging stock portfolio or else that wallet is going to feel really unfulfilled. — J.M.
What happens if I spill Molly Water on my Rick Owens jacket?
You never have to condition it ever again. Seriously, it’s like a fairy tale. Your jacket is going to be so hydrated, so supple and moist, it’s probably going to start sweating on its own and evolve into a living, breathing garment. You know how some people name their cars and give them a personality? That’s going to be you with your new perma-soft leather jacket. Oh, you wanted a serious answer? If it’s leather, you’re fine. If it’s suede, just get a suede brush and comb that shit back to life. — S.B.
This feature originally appeared in the October/November issue of Complex.
Illustration by Duke Aber
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