You got that girlie right where you want her. You're snuggled up on the sofa watching Catfish and it's starting to get dark. You've just split a large gluten-free pizza and conversation is flowing (you're not as boring as you thought). If you manage to trick her into staying for another 2-3 hours, she might be forced into spending the night. It’s only then you can attempt to convince her you're worthy of repeatedly wedging your appendages into her orifices.

"It's kinda cold in here," she proclaims, teeth shuddering. "Yeah, really weird," you reply, as if unaware you set the AC to FREEZE 5 minutes earlier.

Side note: This is grade A predatory behavior, man. Seriously. It's obvious at this point that you grew up without a female figure in your immediate family.]

You whip out a blanket, conveniently located within grasping reach of your now-prone position. Plot twist: Before you can even throw that shit down, she tasers you in the dick.

What happened, bruh? I'll tell you what happened, your blanket game is fucking weak. Scattering expensive Persian candles around your abode just isn't gonna make up for that shit. Your entire #lifestyle needs to sing from the same huge, swag-drenched hymn sheet.

This Burberry Prorsum cashmere blend blanket is the blanket to end all blankets. I personally guarantee that if you buy this blanket, you will never get tasered in the dick again. It's also super versatile: You can throw it over hoes on the sofa or over your shoulder. Wear this shit to work so everybody in the office knows you don't play games. At just $1,500, you can't really afford to miss out.

Moksha August is a serial Four Pins commenter turned writer. I guess you could say that he started from the bottom. Haha, that's the spot. You can follow him on Twitter here.