10 Summer Style Tips (From A Fashion Editor Who's Going Through A Painful Divorce)

Image via Complex Original

1. Give Linen Another Look

Unlike Cynthia, this lightweight cotton fabric will be a trustworthy companion for years and won't call just call it quits out of the blue one Tuesday night while you two are enjoying a seemingly lovely dinner together at The Cheesecake Factory.

Bonus: Work a linen-cotton blend into your work rotation to break up the comatose monotony of heartbreak!

2. A Bandana In Your Back Pocket Can Really Pull An Outfit Together

This Americana workwear staple will give basic chinos or stonewashed denim that little "something extra." Later on, after almost a decade of trusting marriage, you might learn that the woman you pledged your undying love to was getting a little "something extra" from a rich frog twice a week the whole fucking time. Opt for the classic paisley or shake things up with a colorful splash!

4. Swap Your Boring Shoelaces For Something Colorful

Even though it's summertime, you’ll still have to look your best at the office. Losing your job is a sure way to turn this personal catastrophe into a full-blown existential crisis as you float unmoored in a miserable maelstrom of self-doubt and silent agony, wondering whether Cynthia would feel anything if you got hit by a fucking bus. A pair of vibrant yellow laces can bring playful panache to your workday routine because literally nothing else will.

5. Embrace The Short Suit

Summer style is all about taking risks and I'm here to tell you that it's OK to show some shin while wearing a sportcoat, especially if there's a body of water in sight! Speaking of risks, this is a perfect time to protect your assets from divorce proceedings. You have no idea how bloodthirsty your ex is going to get once her lawyer explains the favorable arbitration climate she faces as a former housewife with no declarable income of her own.

6. Ditch The Sweaty Leather Band For A Lightweight NATO Strap

Nothing screams "classy" louder than a seasonal nylon strap to hold your trusty timepiece in place. Except your wife, who literally howls at the top of her lungs while getting extra-maritally plowed by Pierre, an actual French aristocrat she met on AshleyMadison.com. Be sure you choose a color palette that complements your watch's face—the devil is in the details. Well, and Cynthia. Mostly her, actually.

7. Take A Risk On A Summer Scarf

Remember that time you took Cynthia to Hilton Head? Just the two of you? Man, that was swell, wasn't it? These days, you probably don’t think about vacation much because you walked in on your legal spouse getting pile-drived by a foreigner on the Tempurpedic mattress the chiropractor recommended to help her back pain! Fuck that mattress. You didn't even want...what? Scarves? Sure, loser, wear a scarf. Wear a goddamned noose, for all I fucking care, man.

9. Snag Some Frames That Fit Your Face

Is anyone even reading this? Every day feels like a goddamned year. Now that Cynthia has the house, I've been living in my Subaru Outback while I look for a condo. The only thing I can tell you about sunglasses is that I wear them to hide my tears while I eat Grand Slam breakfasts at Denny's. I do this pretty much every day. Help me.