Some say death is the ultimate equalizer. But what if some people are better at death than others? Maybe there are those of us out there who bring death to the next level. I'm talking about funeral swag, son.
Think about your last funeral experience. Did you even get your D wet at any point during or after the ceremonies? See, that's your problem right there. You probably didn't even think you could get laid at a funeral. Well, as long as you're a shitty person, you can. You just have to be ambitious. You have to think outside the box—the coffin, if you will. You have to have the right swag. By following the following 20 simple steps, you too can will learn the art of killing it at a funeral, and maybe even become the one true funeral based god/the worst person ever.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. funerallead
2. whitesuit
3. therightshades
4. showuplate
5. grieving
6. flowers
7. changemusic
8. casket
9. sign
10. LIMO
Get A Spot In The Limo
The next stop is in your odyssey is the funeral mass. Show up to the church in style by riding with the family of the dearly departed in the sick limo they rented for the occasion.
"What's that? Immediate family only? I am immediately affected by this tragedy because this dead motherfucker was like family to me. Oh, he has a name? Yeah that's totally what I said. I did too know your husband. Okay, frankly Carol, you're being kind of a bitch about this whole thing, so why don't you come on down off your high horse and let me in the fucking limo. Also, is the champagne free, or nah?"
11. pallbearer
12. tissues
13. peacebewithyou
14. eulogy
15. smokebreak
16. seating
17. umbrella
18. showemotions
Pretend To Show Your Emotions
It's okay to get glassy-eyed as long as you don't cry like a little bitch. If you're having trouble feeling any emotion because you're a heartless piece of shit, try thinking about when Apollo Creed dies in Rocky IV. That usually gets the job done.