I get it. We all want to be John McClane, yippee-ki-yaying it up in some high rise, shooting terrorists with machine guns all barefoot and shit. Homie looked so ill in a wife beater and a shoulder holster. BUT GUESS WHAT, DEREK? YOUR WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES LOSS PREVENTION AT SPENCER'S GIFTS AND MANAGING ONE OF THOSE CELLPHONE ACCESSORY KIOSKS AT THE MALL, SO SLOW YOUR GODDAMN ROLL. Now I know why PETA is against the use of leather. Horses and cows shouldn't die in vain, especially not to be turned into cigarette/flask and wallet/phone shoulder hipster holsters.

THIS IS A TRAVESTY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS. Although the next time your girl tries to ether your alphet, just show her the fit pic of some guy wearing a flask holster AND a wooden bowtie. A FUCKING WOODEN BOWTIE? Too bad you don't have a holster for the gun you should use to kill yourself. I'm pretty much a pluralist when it comes to personal style. Normally I'm like, "Do you, my guy." But who the fuck even drinks out of flasks anymore? That shit is for ex-sorority girls who are functioning alcoholics, but have no real friends left to tell them that their drinking problem is getting seriously out of hand.

Also, where in the world can you wear what, from a distance, looks like a gun holster? Listen, I live in Detroit. I can't just walk into my local gas station ("bodega" for you NYC-centric basics) looking like I'm strapped. THEY DON’T PLAY THAT SHIT AROUND HERE. THEY'VE GOT SIX INCH BULLETPROOF GLASS WITH THE ELABORATE LAZY SUSAN COMPARTMENT TO GIVE ME MY NEWPORTS AND GREEN BIC LIGHTER. LOCAL BUSINESS PROPRIETORS WILL STRAIGHT PISTOL GRIP PUMP MY ASS IF PULL UP TO THE SPOT DRESSED LIKE I'M ON MY STRUGGLE JOHN DILLINGER FLOW.

Shouts to Etsy for having really strict policies on what can and can't be sold, but somehow allowing this to be offered for $175. If you have 175 dollars and are thinking of spending it on these items, you probably really like things like whatever the fuck "steampunk" is. Please, instead of wasting your hard earned money on this fuckery, just wire it to me and I'll use it to purchase some mildly disappointing narcotics and a Famous Bowl from KFC. NOW THAT'S HOW YOU BLOW $175.