Do you have trouble meeting your goals? Do you feel like you're always letting yourself down? The problem is that you're aiming too high. You think things are going to work out for the best and you're still in denial of the fact that your future will almost certainly be set in a black pit of despair and misery. But don't worry, there’s a solution to your problem: LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

Reinvent yourself!

Create a new you!

The world is kinda-sorta-not-really your oyster! Just don’t shoot for the stars—they're a million light years away. Shoot for a Denny's off the New Jersey Turnpike when you're drunk at three in the morning! Shoot for mom jeans for men! Shoot for being on a first name basis with the Chinese food delivery guy!

Are you taking part in Lent or Jewish Lent this year? Don't be give up chocolate like a little bitch. Give up your standards. Preempt your disappointment by lowering your expectations. George W. Bush was our president and he was a C student at best. Embrace your failure. Be a rat king. A dark star of worthlessness is rising. Let mediocrity reign!

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.