The Grammys are fucking terrible and everybody knows it. That being the case, I have to applaud the annually-televised confirmation of what is not cool for staying so relevant in the decades since the Internet made music free. While I watched basketball and waited for the west coast telecast, I saw what I thought was an inordinate amount of east coasters tweeting about the ceremony, ruining all the good jokes. I’m a cool guy Internet writer, which means I haven’t heard any mainstream music since I was 13 and, even then, only by accident, so a lot of this show was new to me. What makes the Grammys compelling after all these years? Is it the "Sara Aurora Borealis had an album this year? And it’s nominated for Album of the Year?" surprise factor? Maybe it’s the intrigue of seeing the day’s hot, young stars, then seeing 90-year-old Madonna and hoping the day's hot, young stars are wise enough to age gracefully and won't die clinging to whatever Madonna is currently clinging to.

The boring, obvious take would be to say the Grammys have remained relevant by addressing the social issues of our time. But the only interesting thing about that is imagining Middle America getting super hyped on the 26 country performances and then immediately feeling betrayed by the public endorsement of gay marriage. Dude, Timberlake, Bieber, Miley and Kanye weren’t even at the Grammys, so I’ve already spent more time thinking about the event than I will until next year when I’m still so poor that I have to watch this shit again on behalf of Four Pins. So, let’s just look at the clothes and talk about which singers we want to smang in the safety of knowing that not enough females read this site to call me out on my errant objectification.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.