In terms of the north-of-the-eyebrows sartorial landscape, shit has gone south. Everything’s snapback this, flat-bill that, and it’s boring and stupid and when you’re topping that tights-under-the-Pyrex-mesh-shorts-with-a-Hood-by-Air-longsleeve look with a flat-bill snapback, you look like a hypebeast trying to sneak into a minor-league dugout. If I were President of All Hats, I would say that now is as good a time as ever to hold a State of the Hat Union and remind you, citizens of Hatland, that THERE IS ANOTHER WAY. No, not the hat Kurt Russell wore in The Thing, even though that one’s seventeen different kinds of badass. The future is upon us and that future is (generally) bi-colored and three-quarters mesh. Yes, my fellow cool guys, I am speaking of trucker hats.
In the past decade, the trucker hat has taken a beating, primarily because its image was welded to Ashton Kutcher’s perennially smug of a forehead. In his heyday, Ashton Kutcher was a pop culture disease and as close as a human can get to being just one giant dong sticking out of a pair of pants, but now that he has exiled himself into irrelevance by replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, a show that no one except extremely basic divorced dads watch on purpose, there is light at the end of the tunnel. At this point, dude’s a goon to a goblin. He has no sway in our world, and the final “fuck you” the universe can give Kutcher after he realized he wasn’t Bruce Willis-y enough for Demi Moore is by reclaiming his precious trucker hats.
Where normal hats are a single color, trucker hats are TWO, just like a tuxedo, or most penguins.
Sure, fashion is cyclical, but only to a degree—we journey into the past for inspiration, jettison the dumb stuff, and throw whatever we thought was dope into the DeLorean and gun it to '88. Now that Ja Rule is playing shows in New York again and the Republicans have regained control of the House, we might as well admit that 2003 is back with a vengeance. And with that vengeance trucker hats are the once and future kings of all headgear.
Consider, friends, the utility the trucker offers. If you’re outside on a hot day, the wind can blow through the mesh and keep your head cool, while the bill keeps the sun out of your eyes. If you’ve got a wet head and you plop it on, your hair can still dry at a normal rate, which is important when it’s freezing outside and you’re walking to the train. Where normal hats are a single color, trucker hats are TWO, just like a tuxedo, or most penguins. When was the last time anyone got mad at a penguin? Motherfucking never, that’s when. Plus, two colors equals infinitely more matching options. That’s math, and you can’t argue with math.
Imagine the possibilities that the trucker offers. Yung Thug, posted up at King of Diamonds, rocking a Von Dutch trucker with a curvy ass brim and one of those plaid western shirts with gigantic pearl snap buttons. Rickie Fowler, letting his head breathe while he chips in yet another Titleist from 40 feet out with the ease of a mere mortal plucking out a stray pube. Toby Keith, crushing a red solo cup against the firm, yet supple mesh of his trucker, while playing flipcup at a tailgate on gameday, letting the wind blow through his hat’s tendrils of glory. Matthew McCaughnahey, wearing a trucker hat while driving an actual fucking truck. You get the picture. This is the life you want—nay—need to live, and the trucker hat is your one-way ticket to Bro Valhalla.
Drew Millard wrote this while drinking sake on a Suzuki in Osaka Bay. You can read more of his work over at Noisey and follow him on Twitter here.
