Twitter: It’s the one that’s not Instagram and it’s taken over your life. Day in and day out, you hunch over your desk or phone, struggling to craft the perfect bon mot in response to the new Balenciaga drop on Mr. Porter. It will be retweeted by someone who has major label panache cred and make your life worth living at long last. Ars gratia Twitter, as they say.

But while you await those thousands of followers, you’re just running on a few fumes. Your friends from college who tweet out links to BuzzFeed listicles with the hashtag “#bingethinking,” the only other cool guy at work and then...who? Who are these elusive characters who populate your followers? This man who favorites your every missive? This woman who cc’s you in her selfies? We reveal all, ahead.

Rachel Seville is a writer living in New York who believes in miracles. Read her blog, Pizza Rulez, here and follow her on Twitter here.