The 15 Types Of Internet Commenters

Sep 04, 2013
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Some sit behind the glow of a '02 Dell desktop in their mother’s basement and some are bathed in the celestial light of the fanciest MacBook Pro. They could be the guy pulling off a cashmere track suit with Berluti's or the guy breathing out of his mouth into a Gatorade he pets and calls “Steve, My Gatorade”.

They are the many commenters of the Internet and they have something to say. Usually. Sort of. Probably not. Ahead, let's get to know the different kinds of people who feel it's both their duty and their god given right to comment, and what they bring (or neglect to bring) to the table.

Rachel Seville is a writer living in New York who believes in miracles. Read her blog, Pizza Rulez, here and follow her on Twitter here.

1. internetcommentlead

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2. hewhoaddsnothing

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He Who Adds Nothing

3. reallyfuckingmad

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He Who Is Really Fucking Mad

4. greatextrapolator

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The Great Extrapolator

5. groupon

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He Who Came From Groupon

6. thisfuckingguy

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This Fucking Guy

7. youranonymousenemy

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Your Anonymous Enemy

8. hewhoistryingoutforajob

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He Who Is Auditioning For A Job

9. Why

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Why, Though?

10. hewhodoesntgetit

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He Who Doesn't Get It

11. arguing

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Two Guys in an Unreasonably Heated Argument

Guy 1: I’m getting sick of lists, I feel like they never end.

Guy 2: Are you serious? What are you even doing here? What are you even doing on the internet? The whole place is lists. It wouldn’t exist without em.

Guy 1: Except some sites have really thoughtful dialogues and like long essays and stuff which at least break up lists.

Guy 2: Where? Name one. Seriously. You are why print is dying: because you are reading the internet and wanting it to be print. You are the intellectual equivalent of the editor-in-chief of an elementary school newspaper

Guy 1: You’re what’s wrong with everything. You take and take and no give. OK, so print is dying. But what about magazines? If print is dying, EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT MAGAZINES ARE.

Guy 2: DyING not DEAD god, seriously, go back to editing the Big Wig Elementary School Times or whatever and let the big boys have their toys.

Guy 1: First I would imagine that the editor-in-chief of an elementary school would ACTUALLY be really smart because he edits a newspaper, it’s all RELATIVE which you are not getting.

Guy 2: YOU ARE RUINING THIS SITE AND ITS READERS, GO BACK TO YOUR CUBICLE AT YOUR FIVE CENTS AN HOUR LAMEASS JOB FILING TOENAILS INTO BOXES FOR YOUR BOSS TO EAT.

Guy 1: DIE

Guy 2: YOU FIRST

12. makeitaboutrace

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S/he Who Makes It About Race

13. meanweirdguy

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Mean Weird Guy

14. weirdsupportiveguy

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Weird Supportive Guy Whose Support You Don't Want

15. uppityobnoxious

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Uppity Obnoxious Taste Guy

16. actuallyfunny

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He Who Is Actually Funny

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