The Most Ridiculous Surgeries Men Pay for to Look Better

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Approximate cost: $85,000

This gruesome procedure has existed for some time now, but the patients were mainly dwarves and children with one leg longer than the other. Now, a lot more guys are shelling out serious dough for this surgery that adds height by lenghtening the patient's legs.

Dudes who are unhappy with their natural height have doctors break their shin bones in half and insert a telescopic rod between the two halves. The rod slowly pulls the bone apart very slowly, approximately one millimeter a day. The slow lengthening allows the bone, muscle tissue, ligaments, and skin to regenerate around the ever-elongating limbs. 

The entire process takes anywhere between three months and two years, and is reportedly excruciatingly painful. Besides, there are measures you can take to at least appear taller without having your legs cracked in half with a bonesaw.

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Approximate cost: $575

Yes, getting your balls "ironed" with lasers is now a thing. About two months ago, we believed George Clooney when he jokingly said that he gives his scro' royal spa treatment. Turns out he was kidding, but the procedure really does exist and is enjoying an increase in interest.

The treatment employs the latest high-tech tools to "pew pew" lasers at a man's b-sack to "remove hair, erase wrinkles and correct discoloration on the scrotum." A celeb beautician who offers this service to A-list celebs, bankers, lawyers, and other guys with no money claims the results last up to four weeks, and she recommends each client receive six sessions of nut-zapping.

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Approximate cost: $4,000-$6,000

Even if you hit the swollatarium several times a week and keep up a decent diet, that six-pack that women supposedly crave can remain elusive. Luckily, if you have a few stacks laying around, you can pay a doctor to "etch" some washboard abs onto your bawd.

The method is like precision liposuction, and sucks away fat between the ab muscles to give you artificial definition. But don't start lining up all at once. You have to have a very specific amount of fat for this to work. A lot of dudes get turned down from getting this done because they have too little or too much fat. Also, it can be incredibly painful, and sever swelling can mean results can take up to a year to shine through. Sit-ups don't seem so daunting anymore, do they?

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Approximate cost: $5,000

Let's face it: not everyone can get their Ron Swanson on when it comes to facial follicles. But a burgeoning sector of plastic surgery (especially in foreign countries with lax laws and regulations) means you can have a veritable forest atop your upper lip for up to five racks. The procedure is typically done by extracting clumps of hair from other parts of your body and implanting them on your face to help out your current sparseness. If you do go through with this, there's a good chance that "your breath smells like ass" could be taken literally.

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Approximate cost: $5,500

Remember when Eminem rapped in 8 Mile, "Looks like Snoop Dogg got a fuckin' boob job" and the crowd went wild? Well, turns out men have been getting fake titties and other muscles implanted for years now. Whether a dude is too lazy to go to the gym, can't even out his misshapen chest, or has the genetics preventing him from getting as swoll as he wants to be, male implants have been around for a minute now. Pecs seem to be the top request, but calves are also something dudes have been getting sliced open for for quite some time. Word to Johnny Drama.

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Approximate cost: $8,500

Now this is a new one. Apparently, men with flat asses are getting fat sucked out of other parts of their body and injected into their dumpers to increase its size. According to a study cited in the New York Times, 6.2% of the cosmetic ass surgery in 2012 were performed on men. As men age, they lose fat in their rear ends, faces, and hands, so a bunch of older guys are now getting artificial fatties. With the popularity of slimmer pants trickling down to mainstream and middle-aged America, this phenomenon is taking off, along with underwear that plumpens bums across the country. Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction.

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Approximate cost: $4,000

It used to be that a man's virility and manliness was judged by the amount of hair on his body. Boys and young men were encouraged to do things that would "put hair on their chest." Now, plenty of dudes are using futuristic technology to literally zap their hair roots to death on various parts of their bodies. It seems relatively painless, at least compared to waxing, but at $500 a session, and a recommendation of about eight sessions to take you from silverback gorilla to normal guy, it'll set you back a few paychecks.

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Approximate cost: $500-$1,200

There are many ways to deal with being sweaty, but some people have to live with hyperhidrosis, a medical condition that causes a person to sweat uncontrollably and unpredictably. In this case, a treatment that a lot of people swear by is getting botox injected into your underarms. Depending on how sweaty you get, and how big your pits are, this treatment can set you back a bit of scrilla and you'll have to visit the botox clinic every six months or so. It sounds extreme, but sometimes antiperspirant just won't cut it.

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Approximate cost: $2,000-$5,000

Some unfortunate guys have to go through life with a high-pitched voice that will immediately make people think their balls have yet to descend. Lucky for them, there's a procedure that exists mainly to serve women who identify as men and undergo transgender surgery. Fuller, more robust vocal cords produce deeper and more resonating sounds, and so dudes with a helium-like voice can pay to inject fat into their vocal cords to plumpen them up. You may not be vocally melting panties like Barry White, but at least you can vocally signal that your nuts hang low.

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Approximate cost: $5,000+

Turns out, some guys are actually clicking on those pop-up ads on porn sites and spam emails that promise a path to a bigger dick. There are plenty of worthless augmentation methods that guys have tried out (and documented on penis enhancement forums), including pumps, hanging weights, pills, creams, stretches, etc. All these practices typically do not work. As a last resort, a bunch turn to surgery.

Guys. WHATEVER ILLUSIONS OF DONG GRANDEUR YOU HAVE, IT'S NOT WORTH SLICING YOUR DICK OPEN AND INSERTING MECHANICAL BITS AND PIECES.

If the words "penile scarring" don't turn you off from this option, then consider this: A Delaware man recently had ding-a-ling surgery done, and it involved "a three-piece inflatable penile implant, with cylinders placed inside the penis' shaft, a fluid reservoir implanted under the abdominal wall, and a pump put in the scrotum." Something went wrong, and he had an 8-month-long boner. As awesome as you think that sounds, it really isn't. Besides, risky-as-fuck surgeries typically can only add less than an inch.  

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