Most holidays are corporate inventions that force you to you buy Hallmark cards or chocolates. 4/20 just wants you to have a good time, unless it’s an elaborate Illuminati plot sponsored by Taco Bell, which is entirely possible. I’m sure I’ll see tweets and memes like I do every year talking about how real stoners don’t celebrate 4/20 because real stoners smoke every day, man! For sure do your thing and all that, but in my experience trying to be a vaguely productive semi-adult is hard when you smoke every single day. Quit trying to harsh my super mellow mellow anyway. This joyous April day isn’t about “smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos and masturbating,” kids. It’s about necessary spiritual maintenance, which you’ll desperately need when you’ve had your soul sucked dry by all the assholes that make you pay them for basic shit like water, heat and streaming movies—grown up shit.

Luckily, 4/20 falls on a Saturday this year, so even the squarest amongst you dork monsters have no excuse not to partake in the joyous festivities. So, follow me and I’ll guide you through a perfectly hazy slo-mo Saturday and, ultimately, onwards and upwards to a better life.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.