Cue the air horns and AK-47s and the random white dude that says, "Damn son, where you'd find this" and all that nonsense. The Original Don Killuminati of the Keyboard is back up in this thang. Your boy has been tasked to play the role of big bro on this one and shed the sacred light on you once again. This time I'll be discussing the how's, do's and, most importantly, dont's of spring motherfucking break. Some of you lascivious lil comment trolls prolly are already going, "Psshhh, this guy's sooooo corny. Dude is like crazy old trying to write a guide about spring break and shit."

I know you'd love to think I'm not knowledgeable in all realms of worldly everythings, but, after 31 life bullets on earth, I have accumulated numerous leather bound volumes of How To Get Get Get It. You really think you can book your trip and just stroll up to the beach with your Sharper Image lookin' ass boombox and a football and that's gonna turn into some wild jacuzzi orgy back at the telly? Pause yourself, Chaz Fratwave and listen as I dissect these real deal Holyfield spring breakizms into some shit your Family Guy torrent episode watching brains can comprehend.

Skip Class is a writer living in Seattle. See more of his work here and follow him on Twitter here.