2. The Other Christmas Story

Designer: FlytraponE

Okay, so first of all, this teenage chick
who is barely out of grade school gets knocked up and tries to convince
people that she is actually a virgin and this imaginary friend (i.e.
god) implanted a baby in her. meanwhile, this lecherous old guy, Joseph,
who they say was around 50 years old, says he believes Mary's story and
is going to run away with her. So, we have this nutjob of a teenager
who might as well have said she was abducted by an alien and this cradle
robber (i.e. statutory rapist) who wants to marry this pubescent child
so he can get it on with a little girl. And they run off together as
outcasts. Of course there's no room at the inn. I mean, what small
business innkeeper wants to get caught up in that legal mess? That is,
until someone takes pity and offers up a barn. at some point, these
three old guys that people later call kings or wise men stumble upon the
letch and his crazy wife and give them some shitty gifts of smelly
herbs and gold. Later, these shepherds turn up saying, "I heard a voice
and it told me this helpless, smelly, pooping, crying baby is going to
save everyone from everything terrible that ever was." So we have eight
nutjobs sitting around in a barn with a bunch of farm animals and
they’re trying to convince people that this helpless infant who is also
the spawn of god will save the world from who knows what. Anyone who
tries to sell such a story today is tossed into a “home for special
people” to live out his days eating Jell-o and mumbling obscenities to
himself." Well, when you put it that way… maybe we should look into Festivus.

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