Dudes, stop sending pictures of your dick to people. Especially girls who’s pants you’re trying to get into. I don’t know where our generation went wrong, but at some point it became socially acceptable for y’all to start taking selfies of your dong and sending that shit to any girl you think might have even an inkling of an attraction to you. Way to blow it. So seriously, no more nudes, unless they ask for it, in which case you’ve got yourself a golden ticket, or a potential spot on Page 6. Heads up though because either one or both of the following statements are true in that situation: 1. that chick is batshit crazy and 2. your package is gonna end up all over the fucking Internet. Also, stop leaving creepy anonymous sex messages. Nobody wants to see that shit. Now that I’ve gotten those basics out of the way, allow me to educate your asses on what you’ve been missing out on while you were trying to find the best angle in your bathroom mirror to add a couple centimeters.
I used to give girls, like, letters and mixtapes and shit like that. It used to not work because I was a little dork with hair past my shoulders. My handwriting was illegible and my taste in music was garbage. Here’s the kicker though, now that all y’all are trying to spit game via anonymous grey face, girls are heavy into the whole making an effort thing. Turns out that I was just ahead of the curve, bitches. Next time you think about sending a message to that girl who just started following you five minutes ago (it took you four minutes to check the the “self,” “gpoy,” “me” and “personal” tags) you need to pause. Like, full-on-pause. Wait at least a day or two before even making some polite conversation that has nothing to do with your penis. If you don’t realize that telling a girl your sexual fantasies over the Internet after she just stumbled upon your blog isn’t a good idea, maybe you really shouldn’t be talking to girls in the first place. However, if you feel like things are going smoothly I highly recommend making a mixtape for them. You can even do this on the Internet using YouTube, Spotify, 8tracks or what have you. They’ll probably think it’s real cute and maybe they’ll even agree to meet you in real life.
Stop being a pussy about it and let her know that you think she is a damn fine shuttie and that you want to touch her face. Don’t word it like that though. Word it like the slow part of a Drake song.
Write a letter for real too, or a letter length email because I understand if you don’t have the patience to wait for the postal service to bring your burning desires to her mailbox. I also understand if she doesn’t want to give you her address. Be expressive and flex your creative muscles a little bit. I’m not telling you to write her one hundred and fifty four sonnets or anything, just try and not sound like a total doofus and she’ll probably dig it. Stop being a pussy about it and let her know that you think she is a damn fine shuttie and that you want to touch her face. Don’t word it like that though. Word it like the slow part of a Drake song.
All of this leads me to another thing I’ve learnt recently. A shit ton of you menswear blogger types are god awful at talking to girls. You can talk for days about a triple breasted panda suede blazer, but god help you if the girl making your iced coffee happens to be cute. It’s not rocket science guys, just be normal and remember to breathe. Be polite, shake her hand, make eye contact and, for Christ's sake, speak up. If you can talk shit on the internet I don’t understand how you can have a problem speaking to a semi-attractive girl. Just pretend she’s a grail jawnz item that is very rare. If it helps, talk to her like she is a leather jacket or some shit—swoon over her details.
The girl you've talked to on Skype twice didn’t want to move across the country to be your girlfriend? Really?
Let me get semi-serious for a second and maybe straight up recommend to stop looking for girls on the Internet. Spoiler alert, it's probably not the place to meet your future wife. This might be the biggest problem our generation has when it comes to dating. We don’t try and pursue relationships that begin in the real world as much as we used to. We need to stop the online stalking. (And, uh, the IRL stalking too please.) That girl that sits in front of you in your lecture class would probably rather meet you face to face assuming you don't mention her trip to London that she never actually told you about. Talk to that girl at the bar. Talk to your barista. Talk to your peers. I’ll reiterate, stop being a shy little bitch about everything.
Take all my shitty advice with a grain of salt and test out some game tomorrow. Frankly I’m writing this because I’m sick of some of the complaints that come from the blogosphere types about their lack of luck with the ladies. The girl you've talked to on Skype twice didn’t want to move across the country to be your girlfriend? Really? Stop being an idiot. It’s less than likely that you’re gonna wife up some model outside of a fashion show or that “cute in Photobooth pictures” girl with all the Tumblr followers, especially when you don’t even have the confidence to show your face in your WIWT pictures. Go get em’ fellas.
Mitchell Goldstein is a writer and artist living in Brooklyn. Check out his personal blog here and his Twitter here.
