ComplexCon returns to Long Beach Nov. 6 - 7 with hosts J. Balvin and Kristen Noel Crawley, performances by A$AP Rocky and Turnstile, and more shopping and drops.

Secure your spot while tickets last!

I’m not that surprised that Glenn Beck has a denim line. And even less surprised he’s going all AMERICA FUCK YEAH on that shit. What is hilarious is that, according to The Atlantic, he’s created 1791 Supply & Co. in response to a Levi’s ad that, according to him, glorifies revolution and unrest. This is apparently unpatriotic in a country that was founded amidst violent protest that ultimately led to a bloody revolution. The cognitive dissonance on display and embodied by this clothing company couldn’t be more textbook and couldn't be more textbook Glenn Beck.

But at the same time as I laughed, I totally serioused because this video is the PERFECT satire of all this quality menswear bullshit. Of saying things are worth the money. Of forcefully asserting things like heritage and tradition and the American dream. Why the need to create these elaborate stories and origins and pedigrees? Why insist on saying things like:

"These were the first American blue jeans. The jeans that built America. And they were built in America. Built at a time when things were timeless."

1791? Really, Glenn? People didn’t even wear jeans back then. Also, you can’t just say you invented stuff. These were not the first blue jeans. At all. They are approximately the one billionth iteration of them. They were "built" now. As in, 2012. As in, today. If you think 2012 is an era of "timelessness," you aren’t an asshole, you’re just an incredibly foolish optimist or naive or just plain crazy. When the actual first jeans were produced by Levi’s they had letters, not text messages. Seriously, all of this makes me rethink ever using the words "timeless" or "classic" or "heritage" again in my entire life.

It wasn't enough for 1791 Supply & Co. to be a triumphant act of defiance in the face of corporate giant that is now Levi’s—that would have been totally fine. Nope, we gotta go through this rigmarole asserting that your new blue jeans (no one fucking says "blue jeans" anymore by the way) played an integral role in developing the social fabric of the United States of America.

Also, if we cared about what designers and brands did in their advertising would we ever really buy anything? I mean, those toilet paper commercials with the bears who can’t wipe their dingleberry magnet asses? Gross AND tacky. But you don’t see me starting a new paper product company.

At the end of the day you can’t go creating a whole new history for your brand just like you can’t give yourself a nickname. It doesn't matter who you are. That shit is earned. But what you can do is make $130 jeans, which would actually be termed "luxury" denim by most accounts, represent everything that makes America great. And in some terrible fucked up way, I guess the fact that you can get away with such ridiculous shit does in fact make America, well, America. Just please stop calling them blue jeans.