10 Things You Need to Know in Order to Have the Time of Your Life at Art Basel (Miami)

Placeholder image to use when needing to swap out an image under copyright infringement.

Over the first week of December, the art world converges on Miami for Art Basel, an event that includes a dizzying array of exhibitions, installations, parties, performances, and ancillary events. For first-time attendees—or dolts who've gone but have been doing it all wrong—we’ve put together a quick guide to make your life easier at Art Basel. Here are 10 things you need to know before taking your talents to South Beach.

We understand Art Basel is a cultural coup for a city best known for sun worship, cocaine, and DJ Khaled, but half of the people down there who can identify a Koons are snowbirds migrating from New York City. It’s a December refuge for Gotham’s artists, gallery curators, press people, media outlets, club owners, star-fuckers, skaters, and anyone else who can hitch a ride down on JetBlue. Don't believe it? Peep New Yorkers Theophilus London and Claw Money over at Basel Castle (41 NW 20 St. in Wynwood) or A-Ron and crew getting it done at O.H.W.O.W. There is way more fun to be had in Miami than NYC during the first week of December.

On the list of activities to avoid when nursing a pulsating hangover, viewing art falls somewhere between operating a circular saw and performing an appendectomy. The hangar-sized building that houses the official show is divided into labyrinthine alphanumeric rows, and if you lose track of your route, it’s easy to end up wandering aimlessly among hundreds of the exact same Damien Hirst pieces. Keep a champagne flute filled in order to avoid collapsing in a corner and being purchased by a collector looking for a desiccated man-husk installation piece.

The term "Art Basel" refers to a ton of different fairs and events that are splintered between South Beach, Downtown Miami, and Wynwood. Because nothing is anywhere near anything else, visitors spend an inordinate amount of time and money ferrying back and forth between neighborhoods. Both renting a car and traveling by cab stick you for your paper, and if you score a whip from Alamo, you’ll have to worry about catching DUIs and paying exorbitant valet prices. In Miami, a city where Beamers, Benzes, and Bentleys are as commonplace as delicious Cuban sandwiches, that PF Cruiser with an auto-reversing tape deck isn't going to qualify as Larry Hoover.

OK, we know it’s a horrible, offensive, repulsive thing to say, but come on, dude. You're surrounded by millionaires, why would that Eastern European waif of awesomeness single you out? Sure there are Soviet women with hearts as pure as white-beet borscht, but our experience at the Beach tells us to be wary. Case in point: Last year, we were playing pool and drinking mojitos at the Delano, and were interrupted by a pair of Russian girls who proceeded to unravel a yarn about being lesbians in need of dinner-party dates. Oh, word? Let's just say we learned our lesson the expensive way. Keep your wits about you: Nothing comes for free.

A pre-dawn dive in the Atlantic is perfect way to end a night of revelry (provided you don’t inhale a lungful of briny water and succumb to a Darwin Awards death). But make sure someone stays on shore to keep an eye on your clothes and valuables. Nothing will sober you up faster than walking back to your hotel barefoot and naked without your cellphone, wallet, or room key. Beach bums are out to tax.

There are expensive ways to do this, and there are smart, cool-guy ways to do this. Sure, curator Vito Schnabel hosts a tribute to Andy Warhol at The Wall in the W Hotel (Dec. 2), but you can also hang with hordes of scruffy miscreants at the Fountain Art Fair in Wynwood for performances by No Age (Dec. 3) and Ninjasonik (Dec. 4). You can gorge on pork belly with kimchi at a high-end place like Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink, but a delicious prosciutto and fresh-mozzarella hero from SoBe shack La Sandwicherie will cost you about eight bucks. Remember that spending an afternoon plunging into the South Beach waves and eye-screwing Venezuelan chicas is free, and that spending someone else's money is always more fun—paying for bottle service is for suckers.

As blasphemous as that sounds, it’s true. We’ve been to Art Basel parties where we were surrounded by herds of slender, statuesque, and stylish gazelles. Sick, except for the lack of dancing, mingling, or enthusiasm. Sometimes you’re better off finding a party populated by fleshy, sweat-slathered administrative assistants trying to blow off some steam. Regardless of your experience, this fair is a perfect opportunity to embrace Miami’s beauty deflation; a nickel down there is a dime in Washington, D.C.

Events like the NBA All-Star Weekend and the Gathering of the Juggalos flood cities with enough revelers of the same ilk to create a new ecosystem, but Art Basel isn’t big enough to reset Miami’s default guidos-of-all-races setting. Not even a round of Wet Willie's slushies is going to get the A.P.C skinnies to kick it with the Collins Ave. crew. To mingle without meatheads, get invited to some parties or slide over to Wynwood. Venues like SCOPE, Seven, and Wynwood Walls (murals from Ryan McGinness, Ben Jones, and others) have become the epicenter of Miami’s sprouting gallery scene.

Miami is traditionally geared towards Patron-orgies at LIV or Mansion, but the temporary Art Basel outposts are way more fun. Last year, longstanding L.E.S. drinking hole Max Fish celebrated its 20th anniversary by hosting a week’s worth of parties and performances at the former PS14 space on NE 14th St. (now it’s known simply as “Bar!”). This year, Panda NYC, a small bar/gallery, has a space at Villa221 (221 NE 17th St.) and Paris hotspot Le Baron is back for its third stint at the Florida Room in the Delano Hotel. The latter is guaranteed to be a shitstorm, but it’s also your best chance to be immortalized on Last Night’s Party and bag the hottest girl you have ever seen.

Few things are more frustrating than spending an evening “chasing the party.” This works for New Year's, and it works just as well for Art Basel. The notorious art fair's schedule of overlapping events means tough decisions need to be made. Do you spend Thursday evening at the W Magazine party at Cecconi’s or head to the Mondrian for Spin’s pool-side ping-pong imbroglio? Instead of being paralyzed by indecision, make a call and live with it. There’s always another party.