5 Reasons A.J. Burnett Will Come Through for the Yankees Tonight

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Good news New York Yankees fans! Your team is playing an elimination game tonight, and A.J. Burnett will be your starting pitcher. Why is this good news? Well, because you can organize your stamp collection since you won't have to watch baseball for the rest of the month Burnett can't pitch any worse than he did during the regular season. In fact, with the Yankees' season on the line, we're predicting a big game out of A.J. tonight. Here's why.

5. He Had a Great (For Him) September

After blowing up in August, Burnett settled in and had a decent September. He still had a couple poor outings, but had a 2-0 record in five starts that put him back at an even 11-11 on the year. A major issue for Burnett has always been control, but consider this: In the past month, he tossed 36 strikeouts, including a season high 11 against the Mariners, as opposed to only 11 walks. He probably won’t give New York a shutout, but he definitely should be able to keep this team in range to take home a victory.

4. He's Far More Experienced Than Rick Porcello

OK, so this is of a "Well, The Other Guy's Worse" reason, but still. Burnett has logged 33.1 innings on six starts in his postseason career. Detroit’s 22-year-old starter Rick Porcello, whose 4.75 ERA is nothing to phone home about, is making his first postseason start. Even worse, Porcello posted a 5-5 with a 5.64 ERA in his 14 starts at Comerica Park this year. This kid is going up against the Yankees, the second-highest scoring team in the league, in an elimination game after they scored four runs on the untouchable Justin Verlander and lost. If we had to guess, we’d say Porcello is a bit more nervous.

3. He's Already Got One Postseason Gem Under His Belt

Though Burnett did get rocked in two of his postseason starts in 2009, he proved why his stuff can take out the best in the league when he’s on point. In his other three starts in ‘09, he pitched 19 innings, struck out 19, and gave up only four earned runs. His best start came in Game 2 of the World Series as he hurled seven innings of four-hit ball with nine strikeouts. He’ll be watching all five of these games to see what he needs to do to maintain that level of excellence.

2. If He Doesn't, He Can Never Come Back to New York. Ever.

Have you seen Twitter today? Have you listened to New York talk radio recently? Aside from Manny Ramirez buying the team, there is nothing Yankees fans have dreaded more than having to rely on A.J. to do anything this year. So yeah, if he likes New York and likes ever being able to set foot in the city again, he'll do well tonight. Or else.

1. If He Doesn't, Derek Jeter Will Choke Him Out.

Ramiro Mendoza. Aaron Small. Jaret Wright. Javier Vazquez. What do these men have in common? They're pitchers who performed poorly in the playoffs for the Yankees, and, not coincidentally, they've all also had Derek Jeter's hands around their necks at some point during their lives.* Seriously, you think this is a game? You think the Captain is going to put up with somebody named "A.J." fucking up his 3000th hit season? Guess again homie. Why do you think they call it the Evil Empire? If Burnett likes oxygen, he'll be throwing 150 mph tonight.

*This is a joke. At least we hope it's a joke.