20 Life Lessons From Mike Tyson's Career

Image via Complex Original

It's tough to argue against the current anti-bullying wave sweeping through this country. We're not saying go overboard and ban dodgeball; but if you see the first kid to go through puberty picking on a weaker/defenseless child, break it up (and maybe if no other adults are around sneak a punch into his kidneys).

But we're also realists who accept that adults can't always be around. Sometimes the tykes have to govern themselves. Kids are inherently horrible, and will make fun of anybody who's different in any way. Believe it or not Tyson was a little fat kid, tipping the scales at nearly 200 lbs. by the time he started his teenage years. To compound that he got whaled on because he had glasses and Lord knows the playground despises those who need help to see.

Tyson finally realized his inner-strength, which wasn't some BS after school special made-up power to overcome, it was actual physical strength that allowed him to pummel anyone he wanted too. It didn't matter if it was a bully who killed one of his favorite pigeons, another bully who rendered his glasses useless by putting them in a gas tank, or a garbageman he concussed over an innocent mistake. Tyson's fire was lit.

Before his heavyweight title fight against Trevor Berbick in 1986, Iron Mike says he was "burning like a Good Humor in July." Tyson won the match with a second-round TKO which awarded him the WBC Heavyweight Championship Belt at just 20 years and 4 months (the youngest dude to ever win it). So next time you say you can't hit the gym because of that headache, just pop two Excedrins and think about what the Baddest Man on the Planet was going through.

No that isn't some half assed pun about Tyson's inability to digest Evander Holyfield's ear. It's more of an observation that Tyson shouldn't have been in that fight in the first place. Let's face it, Tyson was never the same after his release from prison in 1995. Three years of sitting in the hole, eating prison meals, and lacking access to semi-decent facilities will do that to you. It also took away three years of his prime. When Mike came out he was clearly surpassed by other, less felonious, fighters. Tyson was 41-1 coming out of the joint, and though he beat Frank Bruno and Bruce Seldon, he never lived up to fighters like Evander Holyfield and Lennox Lewis on boxing's biggest stages. Tyson from the '80s? Would of been great. But the only place you're going to see that again is Fight Night.

This is a lesson a lot of athletes can teach us. When you bankroll your first million be sure to put away at least 100K in case you're ever in dire straits. Okay, you'll probably never make that money (dream big) but if you do, don't buy multiple mansions, tigers, commit income-draining crimes and, most importantly, stay the hell away from Don King.

We're not sure if we can think of a larger shift in public sentiment from an athletic persona than that of which we've seen from Tyson. From his own admission that he went from the bullied, to the bully, to a criminal, to heavyweight champ, to rich criminal, to humbled, to destitute, to a guy getting laughs on late-night TV. Now, you're not crazy to feel that he was misunderstood, and exploited by shadier people around him. Bullies of the world, it's not too late.

One of Mike's more (in)famous quotes concerned a desire to eat the children of Lennox Lewis. Then again it's possible that this all came out wrong. It's also possible that you can't think too clearly when you've just recieved 100 blows to your brain.

Still, Mike has some other hyperbolic statements like: "I don't want to be grotesque, but when you're 330 pounds, it's hard to wipe your ass. You know?" And (setting up the best PPV ever): "All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too." We're going to chalk that up to one of two things. Either Mike is very colorful with his speech (probably). Or he's completely fucking insane (also, probably).

Then again, Mike Tyson gives the best soundbites in the history of sports. That's a fact. Muhammad Ali gave soundbites about "floating like a butterfly," Mike Tyson gave quotes about cannibilization and slamming a heckler up the ass. We know which one intimidates us more.

A microphone in his face could produce fascinating quotes from the adorable "fade into Bolivian") to the, "Uh...I must've heard that wrong," like when he said "This white woman come up, and I'm thinking: Wow. When I was a kid she would've been robbed, and raped, and left for dead. This is a real strange scenario and I just wanted to cry. I'm like, 'Who am I? Where's my heritage?'" With him you take the entertaining along with the perplexing.

The bottom line is, he's interesting in a dull world full of cliches, generalities, and BS small talk. You don't see us doing a "25 Life Lessons of Tim Duncan's Career." Saying things that are completely bonkers will make you standout, and if you can channel your insanity into semi-coherant thoughts then maybe someday you can make a fortune on talk radio.

Believe it or not Tyson's early career was filled with self-doubt. Before his first fights, he attempted to flee upstate New York to return to the projects, but his inability to find the train station forced him to stay and knock guys out in eight seconds.

You hear throughout your grade school career that narcotics are the worst thing ever, then you get peer-pressured into smoking your first joint and realize that a gateway drug isn't so bad. So then you say "Screw it, if they lied about pot then they lied about them all," and before you know it you're begging stopped cars for change on Drugs Inc.

Tyson was mixing a dangerous cocktail of morphine, coke, and hard alcohol when he snapped and beat up seven prostitutes (at once) in a Vegas hotel room (something he presumably didn't pay for). Reflecting on the "incident" Tyson said, "but it was my own knockout punch to clean up life, get whole, get well-and I haven't done anything in three years now. I'm clean. I'm sober." And really, if he used it as a stepping stone to better his life, how can those hookers be mad?

If you opt to ignore that, then learn from Tyson's biggest regret concerning friend Tupac Shakur. Tyson stated that he's remorseful that he "never smoked weed with him," despite the rapper's constant insistence to smoke bud with his bud. Shakur was famously shot multiple times on Sept. 7, 1996 after attending the Tyson-Bruce Seldon match at the MGM Grand in Vegas a week prior. 

When your life hits its depths, the temptation arises to make some extra scratch by selling your own intimacy to some pervert sitting in front of his computer with his pants around his ankles. At one point, amongst his many rock bottoms, Tyson claims to have been approached by reps from Jenna Jameson's production company, and seemed to suggest that he'd consider shooting a porno. That's because Mike's boxing trunks supposedly housed a 14-inch boa (which appears to be a rumor, but we're unable to confirm). Luckily for those of you who are insecure (actually, all of us) he opted not to unleash it. Lesson learned. If a guy who's indulged in just about everything at least once refrains from smashing on camera, well, then you probably should too.

Statistically, the best way to avoid jail is to not commit a crime. But, if you need to, at least learn from some of Mike's shortcomings. Tyson's biggest legal headline arose in 1991 when he was put on trial for the rape of Desiree Washington, who was the reigning Miss Black Rhode Island.

Mike hired a "tax attorney"  to defend him leading to...you guessed it, a conviction. The defense that his lawyer, Vincent Fuller, essentially argued was that Tyson is such a brute that consensual sex just seems like rape. Not a real well thought out argument to a puzzled jury. It's tough to give a guy with Tyson's rap sheet the benefit of the doubt.

But, again, when you hire a freakin' tax attorney you're essentially booking your stay in prison. Of all the things Tyson has admitted to he still proclaims his innocenct, though, he did vaguely admit to committing things that were worse, which definitely makes us scratch our heads.

The last thing you want to see at the dog park is a guy who's been arrested 50+ times to come in walking his pet tiger. But Iron Mike's trio of bengals proved to be a less shitty pet than a goldfish or a cocker spaniel. The caveat is that they cost $200,000 a year to feed and odds are you're going to need a sturdy cage to discipline it when it misbehaves and eats your neighbor's son. Still, it's the ultimate in home security and will specialize in keeping things far less dangerous than it off of your property.

Like for instance bite somebody's ear off. For that, Tyson got a lifetime ban, but apparently they meant the lifetime of an Xbox 360 because a year and a half later Tyson was back in the ring. You see, boxing has been dying a slow agonzing death for almost two decades. Realizing this, the Nevada Athletic Commission board accepted that the sport needed recognizable names like Tyson to keep stuffing their coffers and reinstated him with a finger wag, and a promise to "be nice." You're probably not good enough at anything where you can rip your co-worker's ear off and then get rehired. But if you are, take advantage of it and tear him a new hearing hole for big leaguing you as a secret Santa.

Maybe this is a pessimistic way of viewing the first of Tyson's three marriages. Another (better) lesson you can learn is: Don't hit your wife. It's not hard (cue the lame "You've never met my wife" jokes), but it's also a good lesson for non-violent marriages like that of Tiger Woods. Tyson was married for a little over one year to actress Robin Givens, yet that year ended up costing him $10 million after the two divorced. When your marriage is hitting the skids three months after saying "I do," it's never a good sign. Still there's other lessons to learn here (like don't marry someone you've only known for 11 months—or—draft a prenup). Also, Givens claimed to "never get a dime" from Tyson, so of all the creative ways he lost his dough maybe this wasn't one of them.

Tyson admitted that he abstained for five years as a young boxer, *stupid Jay Leno impersenation* "The only thing he was laying was the foundation of his career." Either take this as a lesson or use it as an excuse for not getting more action. For example, if your friends impose and ask whether you've hooked up lately just say "No, I got this big Panda Express interview coming up and I really need to focus."

It's depressing to watch formerly great athletes hang on well after their primes. We've seen it with just about every athlete except for Barry Sanders and John Elway. Tyson was no exception hanging on professionally until 2005 and losing to tomato cans like Danny Williams and Kevin McBride. Have you texted your ex 50 times since you've broken up, yet gotten no response? Are you a 47-year-old waiter in Hollywood still waiting for your "big break?" Take a lesson from Mike and get out before your pride sits absentmindedly on the canvas.

One of the most epic upsets in sports history occurred when Buster Douglas wiped the mat with Mike Tyson's bloodied body and shattered both the face, and the mystique of the "baddest man on the planet." Douglas was dealing with the recent death of his mother, a kidney ailment to his baby mama, and for good measure, he had the flu. Before the fight a reporter asked Mike if there was any chance Douglas would beat him. Tyson replied "Perhaps if I chop off my arms." But years later, a contemplative Tyson admitted his training regiment and mental preperation were lacking in the weeks leading up to the fight. It may sound like an excuse but it also explains how a 42-to-1 upset etched his name in the annals of sports history.

Tyson made the mistake of putting Don King in his corner in 1988. King, a duplicitous con man who repeats "Only in America," so frequently that you'd be forgiven to think he's a malfunctioning robot, already had a contentious history with fighters. Like just about every other promoter in the history of the sport, King was ripping-off Tyson to the tune of $100 million causing Tyson to both sue King and, justifiably, stomp him in a Beverly Hills Hotel parking lot.

It took about 40 years for Mike Tyson to chill but the personality transformation appears authentic. Now when he commits a crime you actually understand where he's coming from (like beating up a paparazzo). Tyson has become self-depricating, reflective, and genuinely likable. Without having to maintain the public facade that fighters have to perpetuate, he's free to be embraced by people whom he no longer scares the shit out of, and like we mentioned, has turned himself around from one of the most hated sports personalities to one of the more engaging ones. Stop and take a breath before losing your shit. If Tyson can do it, so can you.