Ronda Rousey was obviously devastated after she lost to Holly Holm last year. How devastated? So devastated that, according to her, she contemplated suicide immediately after the fight ended. Rousey sat down for an interview with Ellen DeGeneres that is set to air later today, and during it, she admitted that her first thought after losing to Holm was that she wanted to kill herself.

“I was in the medical room,” she told Ellen, “and I was down in the corner, I was sitting in the corner, and I was like, ‘What am I anymore if I’m not this?’ I was literally sitting there thinking about killing myself at that exact second. I was like, ‘I’m nothing.’ I’m like, ‘What do I do anymore? No one gives a shit about me anymore without this.’”

The thought only lasted for a few moments, though, and she credits her boyfriend Travis Browne with providing her with all the motivation she needed to pick herself up off the ground.

“To be honest, I looked up and I saw my man Travis was standing there,” she said, “and I looked up at him and I was just like, ‘I need to have his babies. I need to stay alive.’ That was it…I don’t know if I would have made it without him.”

Check out the clip above to hear what else Rousey had to say about losing to Holm.

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[via The Ellen Show]