Jason Whitlock gets paid a lot of money to consistently write nonsense that gets a rise out of people. It's a good skill to have, honestly. It pays to be a troll. Just ask Skip Bayless. Whitlock has been perfecting his shtick for a long time now. Back in 2009, the former editor in chief of ESPN's offshoot site, The Undefeated a.k.a. "Black Grantland," wrote one of the most ridiculous articles you will ever read on Serena Williams. A little context: At the time, Serena was 27 and was sitting on 11 Grand Slam titles—11 behind Steffi Graf and 13 behind Margaret Court—which was "a terrible shame" as Whitlock astutely pointed out.
Fast forward six years later and Williams now has 20 Grand Slam titles (four short of tying Court's record), and just demolished Maria Sharapova earlier today to reach the Wimbledon Final for the eighth time. If she beats Garbine Muguruza on Saturday it'll be the second time she's held all four Grand Slam titles at once a.k.a. the "Serena Slam," thus making these Whitlock quotes I'm about to put you on to even more repulsive than they already are.
After pointing out the terrible shame of her 11 titles at the age of 27, he compared her to Michael Jackson, Tiger Woods, and Rosa muthafuckin' Parks. That's not so bad, right? Get a whiff of the whole thing:
"With a reduction in glut, a little less butt and a smidgen more guts, Serena Williams would easily be as big as Michael Jackson, dwarf Tiger Woods and take a run at Rosa Parks."
Lawd Jesus. *clutches pearls*
There's a lot more where that came from. He goes on to say the "inescapable truth" (because his word is gospel) being that Serena is "an underachiever." Because it's not like she's an African-American woman that rose from the streets of Compton to become one of the best tennis players in the world. That alone is not enough for Mr. Black Grantland.
"And all the people making excuses for Serena and rationalizing her failure to totally dominate women's tennis are the very people uninterested in seeing women rise to a level of equality with men."
But wait, it gets worse:
"Serena Williams has all the ingredients to be Michael Jordan, Jim Brown and Muhammad Ali rolled into one made-for-TV package. She is quite possibly the most gifted female athlete in our lifetime.
Unfortunately for us, she lacks the courage to fulfill her destiny."
Bam! Boom! Zing!
Check this shit out, though:
"She'd rather eat, half-ass her way through non-major tournaments and complain she's not getting the respect her 11-major-championships résumé demands. She complains about being ranked No. 2 in the world when she's not bitching on Twitter or her blog about new rules that forbid Wimbledon players from eating in the locker room.
Seriously, how else can Serena fill out her size 16 shorts without grazing at her stall between matches? I know, you think I'm a hypocrite. No, I'm not. Sports writers are supposed to be plump and lazy. I'm fulfilling my destiny."
Get this guy some cold cuts because he is on a roll. Nah? I tried. It's a double aunt andre. He called her a fucking a horse. OK, moving on to some even more sexist shit:
"And you probably think I don't like Serena. You're wrong. I love her. She's the main reason I watch tennis. She's fascinating. Her power and skill are breathtaking. And when she's in shape, she's every bit as sexy as Beyoncé."
Yup. He handed that in and someone edited it and then hit the publish button. I wish this was fake. He then justifies that repulsive Beyoncé statement:
"I know, sex appeal isn't supposed to matter in sports. That's such a load of (spit). Television sells sex appeal in men's sports, too. You think being tall, dark and handsome didn't significantly enhance Jordan's appeal? You think Joe Namath, Joe Montana and Tom Brady haven't been sold as sex symbols?
Appearance matters in televised sports. The whining last week about Wimbledon's admission that attractiveness plays a role in determining who plays on Centre Court struck me as disingenuous, politically correct bull crap.
During this year's Wimbledon, Serena and Safina played Court 2 while hot, lesser stars battled on Centre Court. Safina can blame genetics for her fate. Serena only has herself to blame. God gave Serena everything, including drop-dead looks."
It is lit, as the kids say.
And still, it gets worse:
"She's chosen to smother some of it in an unsightly layer of thick, muscled blubber, a byproduct of her unwillingness to commit to a training regimen and diet that would have her at the top of her game year-round."
LMFAO, Jason Whitlock cannot be serious. *projectile vomits on Edwin Ortiz who sits next me*
After he writes about what could happen if she ever reached her potential (something about Roger Federer shagging her balls and LeBron and Kobe bragging about being her neighbor blah blah blah), he devolves into this doozy of a paragraph:
"Instead, Serena is arguably pushing 175 pounds, content playing hard only in the major tournaments, happy to be photographed on dates with pro athletes and proud to serve as a role model for women with oversized back packs.
BBWs — Big Booty Women — do not write me angry e-mails. I'm only knocking Serena's back pack because it's preventing her from reaching her full potential as an athletic icon. I am not fundamentally opposed to junk in the trunk, although my preference is a stuffed onion over an oozing pumpkin.
(A stuffed onion is a booty so round and tight that it brings tears to your eyes).
I'm sorry. I digress."
He then closes it out by comparing Serena to Paris FUCKING Hilton:
"She could break the glass ceiling for female athletes and become the transcendent superstar who connects globally. She could join Oprah and Madonna. Serena could be an impossible-to-ignore advocate for any position she supported.
Right now I'd put on Serena on par with Paris Hilton. I know that's harsh. Serena's accomplishments are far more substantive than Hilton's. But Paris Hilton doesn't have one discernible skill (that I can publish in this column without earning it an R rating). Hilton's monumental overachievement is her accomplishment of becoming a celebrity.
Serena's greatest feat might be avoiding establishing herself as the greatest tennis player of all time."
That's it. I'm done. Show's over.
Angel Diaz is a staff writer for Complex Media. Follow him @ADiaz456.