Skills Challenge 2.0: The Real Events That Should Be in the NBA Skills Challenge

Image via Complex Original

It's a damn shame that off-the-hizzie is considered unsportsmanlike. Let those nutmegs and anklebusters breathe. No one's going, “God damn, that man could pass through a hoop!” Do the right thing. Give And1 a night. Trust me: Ratings will go up when Deron Williams gets his ankles broken and random spectators carry him off the court.

On the blacktop, you could bark on your weak teammates if you please. You have to keep up appearances in the NBA, though, so just smacking your teammate upside the head won't quite work. You need finesse to son your teammate, and James has honed that after spending his Miami days barking on Mario Chalmers. James may never enter an All-Star competition, but he'd be well ahead of the the crop on this one with this masterful shot he threw at Kevin Love. James isn't going to be fined and Love isn't going to do shit. We need to find out who else in the league has shade skills like that.

Side pieces aren't just a luxury—they're a responsibility. We've seen far too many players cut down in their prime for not realizing that. Passing is critical and ball handles are essential, but side pieces can ruin your life. Maybe not as bad as it did to Tiger Woods, but players definitely want to avoid taking any sort of collateral damage. Keeping your mistress and wife separated is a skill as overlooked as setting picks.

Those extra digits could vanish quick if you're being silly. Letting too many people in your pocket counts as silly. There's nothing wrong with wanting to move your mother out of the hood. That's admirable. But why go the extra mile to give your distant auntie a house? Mind you, this is the same auntie who constantly asked if you were still, “Doing your little basketball thing,” the two times per year she'd visit. No. You don't want to be a dick but business is business. Don't forget: Selfishness can be a skill.

You can't just lay your shit out there on the table just because you're a professional basketball player. Those delusions of grandeur can backfire hard. Finesse has become a forgotten virtue as thirst has felled many great men. There are too many out here who dabble in DM-diving without using their heads. Those who play with fire without getting burned deserve their props.

Because you can't consider yourself clutch unless you could hit that fadeaway jumper into the wastebasket. That should go without saying.

It's hard to do a fire tweet. There are millions of tweets going out per day, so naturally the odds of your 140 characters standing out aren't that great. Fire tweets are kind of a metaphor for the NBA: Out of many, only a few can really make it. Kevin Durant may not make the payoffs, but he knows what he's doing. Metta World Peace, too. Time to see who can deliver under pressure.

Dunking on children and getting their weak shit out of here like you see above aren't examples of bullying. The world is a much crueler place than parents admit filled with artisan mayonnaise and Uber surge pricing. Durant is merely preparing these kids for the world. It's like good parenting, and good parenting is a skill. 

It's kind of like the Fire Tweets challenge, but rapping. Can you do a “Control”-esque verse, but in 4 Bars? There's potential. Lillard's verse is like Nas in “Verbal Intecourse”—but in four bars. Iman Shumpert's verse is like AZ's “Life's a Bitch”—but in four bars. We could continue, but you get it. Put them on a mic and let's find out who's king.

Not saying Sprite should sponsor this, but yeah they should. Can you delete the porn stars you follow on Twitter by the time the shot clock winds down? How about those DMs? What if all wives were sent texts of who really is on their phones listed under "Steve PR Agency"? So much more skill than a few crossovers.