Every 2014 College Football Bowl Game, Ranked

Image via Complex Original

Teams: Bowling Green vs. South Alabama

Location: Cramton Bowl in Montgomery, Ala.

Date: December 20

Watch this bowl if you…Want to get back at your significant other for making you watch a Real Housewives marathon last weekend.

Someone actually took the time to write an article about everything you need to know about the first-ever Camellia Bowl. With all due respect to them, here's what you really need to know about it: You don't need to watch this bowl. At all. So unless you're trying to get even with someone by making them watch it, find something else to do.

Teams: Utah State vs. UTEP

Location: University Stadium in Albuquerque, N.M.

Date: December 20

Watch this bowl if you…Can't stand the thought of finishing the rest of your Christmas shopping.

You know what you shouldn't be doing at 2:20 p.m. on the Saturday before Christmas? Watching a game between Utah State and UTEP. You probably don't even know what UTEP stands for! Or maybe you do, in which case…you really need to stop watching so much college football. Either way, nothing good can come out of watching this game, and the mall is only going to get more and more crowded the longer you wait to shop. So put down the remote, pick up your wallet, and get to it.

Teams: Louisiana-Lafayette vs. Nevada

Location: Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, La.

Date: December 20

Watch this bowl if you…Need a reason to crack open a cold one at 11 a.m. on a Saturday.

Maybe your Friday night is just ending. Or maybe you want to start your Saturday night a little bit early. Regardless, this game starts bright and early and is the first game of the college football bowl season. So why not open up the fridge and get to work? Just remember to pace yourself. The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl isn't going to watch itself later!

Teams: Navy vs. San Diego State

Location: Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, Calif.

Date: December 23

Watch this bowl if you…Consider yourself a true American—and still can't stand the thought of finishing the rest of your Christmas shopping.

You can't not watch Navy if they're going to be on TV, right? It seems totally un-American. And as for those Christmas gifts, doesn't Amazon deliver packages on Christmas Day at this point? Er, okay, maybe not. But you've still got a whole day to shop! No rush.

Teams: Central Michigan vs. Western Kentucky

Location: Thomas Robinson Stadium in Nassau, Bahamas

Date: December 24

Watch this bowl if you…Went to either school? Maybe. Fuck if we know.

Western Kentucky gave us one of the games of the year when they wrecked Marshall's undefeated season by a score far more worthy of college hoops (67-66). If this game turns out as exciting as that, then screw it, watch it. But otherwise you're left with a 7-5 Conference USA team pitted against a 7-5 MAC team on Christmas Eve. You got to have something better to do, man. Come on now.

Teams: Fresno State vs. Rice

Location: Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii

Date: December 24

Watch this bowl if you…Are sick of watching A Christmas Story.

It's the last game played before Christmas day, which means you'll probably miss it due to some sort of tradition your family holds (or we should say, did hold). This year, be the dick of your family and buck the same old same old by switching to this game, telling your younger cousins/nephews/nieces that Santa isn't real, then blowing a loud fart.

In the morning, feel free to blame it on the egg nog.

Teams: Air Force vs. Western Michigan

Location: Albertsons Stadium in Boise, Idaho

Date: December 20

Watch this bowl if you…Have been having college football withdrawals.

We get it, it's been a few weeks since there was college football on the airwaves. You're desperate. Like a guy getting out of a long prison stint, anything and everything looks good and you'll take what you can get. Honestly we can't think of a more apt metaphor for Air Force and Western Michigan facing off in a half-empty stadium.

Teams: Toledo vs. Arkansas State

Location: Ladd Peebles Stadium in Mobile, Ala.

Date: January 4

Watch this bowl if you…Realize you have a serious sports gambling problem but don't want to do anything about it just yet.

The timing of this particular game doesn't make any sense to us. It's going to be played well after all of the New Year's Day games are over and, if not for the College Football Playoff National Championship, it'd be the last bowl of the year this season. Most people will be all bowled out by the time this game kicks off. But if you're the type of person who likes to put a little bit of action on a game, have at it! Toledo -3 looks like the play, no?

Teams: Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech

Location: Cotton Bowl in Dallas, Texas

Date: December 26

Watch this bowl if you…Think this is finally the Big Ten's year.

If you think this is the Big Ten's year (which you don't) then this is the conference's first of ten chances to confirm that. Hopefully, at least for the Midwest's sake, the Bulldogs won't repeat what they did two years ago when they drubbed the Fighting Illini by a score of 52-24.

Teams: NC State vs. UCF

Location: Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, Fla.

Date: December 26

Watch this bowl if you…Feel like spending three hours Googling everything that you can find about Bitcoin.

What is Bitcoin? Where can you get it? And can you use it to gamble on sports? We still aren't 100 percent sure about the answers to any of those questions. But every time the analysts for this game say, "Welcome back to the Bitcoin St. Petersburg Bowl," you'll be reminded to go and learn something new about Bitcoin. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Teams: Pittsburgh vs. Houston

Location: Amon G. Carter Stadium in Fort Worth, Texas

Date: January 2

Watch this bowl if you…Still can't get out of bed more than 24 hours after New Year's Eve.

The two-day hangover is very real, you guys. So if you went a little too hard before the ball dropped and are still feeling the after-effects of it, this game is for you. It starts at noon on the day after New Year's. And while it won't be anywhere near as entertaining as any of the New Year's games, it's something. So grab a gallon of Gatorade and watch it.

Teams: BYU vs. Memphis

Location: Marlins Park in Miami, Fla.

Date: December 22

Watch this bowl if you…Need a vacation but can't afford to leave your parents' basement.

There should be a decent amount of scoring in this game. Both teams like to put up points, which means it could be one of the first really entertaining games of the bowl season. But the real draw here is going to be all of the shots of Miami that will inevitably be included throughout the telecast. It'll almost feel like you're right there in the 305…even if you're stuck in New Jersey.

Teams: Utah vs. Colorado State

Location: Sam Boyd Stadium in Whitney, Nev.

Date: December 20

Watch this bowl if you…Screw it, this is the best bowl (on paper) today.

If you didn't notice, the first three bowls on this list are all going down today. That's because they're simply bowl hors d'oeuvres meant to get you ready for the progressively meatier main course. Most of them (see: South Alabama vs. Bowling Green) aren't worthy of such a fancy name, but this one is. It pits a ranked Pac-12 team (No. 22 Utah) against a Mountain West team that played well enough this year to get their coach the same gig at Florida (which is a just a tad more prestigious).

Teams: Rutgers vs. North Carolina

Location: Ford Field in Detroit, Mich.

Date: December 26

Watch this bowl if you…Need an oil change and want to remind yourself about it for three hours.

Depending on how this game goes, it could end up being about as exciting as actually getting an oil change. The Rutgers offense has been really stagnant at times this season, and UNC has been inconsistent all year long. We're going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that this should be a high-scoring game that'll be fun to watch. But if it doesn't look like it by halftime, just go get that oil change out of the way.

Teams: Florida vs. East Carolina

Location: Legion Field in Birmingham, Ala.

Date: January 3

Watch this bowl if you…Hate Tim Tebow and, as a result, hate Florida.

As recently as a few years ago, the Gators were competing for a national championship every season. Today, they're lucky to be in the Birmingham Bowl! So if you're still hating on what Florida did during Tebow's time under center, soak up every second of this game. Because even if Florida wins, they still lose, based on the fact that they've been reduced to playing bowl games in Birmingham.

Teams: Oklahoma State vs. Washington

Location: Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe, Ariz.

Date: January 2

Watch this bowl if you…Spent too much money on New Year's Eve and can't afford to go out until February.

Opening up a tab on NYE after the ball dropped sounded like a really good idea at the time, didn't it? And it was…until it was time to close that tab out. Don't sweat it. This game—which doesn't start until 10:15 p.m.—might not be quite as high-profile as some of the other games on January 2, but it features two teams that are likely going to move the ball up and down the field so at least it'll be fun to watch. Maybe not as fun as the club, but way less expensive.

Teams: Virginia Tech vs. Cincinnati

Location: Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium in Annapolis, Md.

Date: December 27

Watch this bowl if you…Support the troops.

We don't understand why this game doesn't  feature at least one of the service academies, but we also aren't complaining. Because while we enjoy watching the Army/Navy game just as much as the next college football fan, this matchup between VT and Cincy should be good. God bless America—and 1 p.m. kickoffs on Saturday afternoons!

Teams: Iowa vs. Tennessee

Location: EverBank Field in Jacksonville, Fla.

Date: January 2

Watch this bowl if you…Want to see two teams that were once exciting and relevant.

At one point, each of these schools were considerable powers. Tennessee won the first BCS Championship (and that was after Peyton Manning left) and Iowa won the Orange Bowl (in fact that was only five years ago). Now they're both staying afloat, though barely, mired in relative (and disappointing) mediocrity. Both of these teams are pretty wretched on offense (66th and 98th in yards per game), so watching two teams kick field goals and play defense is another throwback to a bygone era.

Teams: Maryland vs. Stanford

Location: Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif.

Date: December 30

Watch this bowl if you…Are still up.

It kicks off at 10 p.m. eastern time (the time zone the University of Maryland unfortunately plays in) and with the way college football goes, that means it likely won't wrap-up until about two in the morning. Lucky for you Stanford (14-point favorites) should have this game locked up by halftime.

Teams: Boston College vs. Penn State

Location: Yankee Stadium in Bronx, N.Y.

Date: December 27

Watch this bowl if you…Love you some cold weather football.

If you ask us, college football needs more cold-weather showdowns instead of contests locked-in sunny paradises that make us question why we still live up north. Football is best when it looks like the people attending are miserable, freezing their asses off while we sit at home on a heated recliner. In the past, the Pinstripe Bowl has fit that standard. This year, Penn State's bowl ban (which was originally slated for four years) was cut in half, giving the Nittany Lions a chance for the Big Ten to notch another 'W' or 'L' (yeah, probably 'L') in the conference bowl standings.

Teams: Marshall vs. Northern Illinois

Location: FAU Stadium in Boca Raton, Fla.

Date: December 23

Watch this bowl if you…Want to see the unofficial "Group of Five" championship.

This season Marshall was just a play away from remaining undefeated. In the past few seasons, Northern Illinois has just been a few plays away from a similar fate. Both teams prove that your strength of schedule can totally blow and you can still claim you're "disrespected." For that reason, this bowl remains relatively low (despite the fact that it should be entertaining) because neither program will get an opportunity to prove they're on-par with "Power Five" conferences. Instead, Boise State was the team chosen to get that opportunity.

Teams: Minnesota vs. Missouri

Location: Orlando Citrus Bowl Stadium in Orlando, Fla.

Date: January 1

Watch this bowl if you…Prefer your bowls to be alphabetical.

Here's a statement that may sound like an opinion but it's fact: Minnesota plays the most boring brand of football in the FBS, consistently milking the hell out of the game clock and pounding the ball with their stud tailback, David Cobb. Some people (most people) may call it strategy, but for those of us who don't care if Minnesota wins or loses, it's pretty much a Tiger Woods interview in football form. As for Missouri, they just took the full brunt of Alabama's fury in the SEC title game, so any team is going to feel lighter by comparison. That makes this bowl potentially the equivalent to brawling with Muhammad Ali (circa 1965) and then following it up with a prize fight against a first-grader (or Muhammad Ali, circa 2014).

Teams: Texas vs. Arkansas

Location: NRG Stadium in Houston, Texas

Date: December 29

Watch this bowl if you…Don't yet have bowl fatigue.

The bowl logo proudly proclaims "Big 12 vs. SEC," though it's likely that this clash between .500 teams isn't the dream matchup you have in mind. Arkansas features literally the biggest offensive line on the planet, while once-powerful Texas features an offense that sputters at every turn. If you're a Texas fan who can't quite "get up" for the squad like you could in their glory days, maybe their five-hour Bevo grazing Christmas Day marathon will make you change you mind.

Teams: Miami vs. South Carolina

Location: Independence Stadium in Shreveport, La.

Date: December 27

Watch this bowl if you…DVRed every episode of Duck Dynasty.

After watching The U Part 2 on ESPN last weekend, it's hard not to think about how far Miami has fallen in recent years. Once upon a time, the Hurricanes were the best team in the entire country. Today, they're playing in a bowl sponsored by the Duck Dynasty guys. Think about that.

Teams: Notre Dame vs. LSU

Location: LP Field in Nashville, Tenn.

Date: December 30

Watch this bowl if you…Want to see the 'Peter Principle' in football form.

If you want to see how spectacularly a college football season can tank, look no further than Notre Dame who was a questionable very blatant offensive pass interference call away from beating Florida State. After a rebound (though unimpressive) win over Navy, they dropped four straight to go from 6-0 to 7-5. Just think, at one point "experts" were arguing they should be in the Playoff. Now Notre Dame will give us our annual 'Peter Principle' in bowl form by being stacked up against a far superior opponent, and finishing this meager season with what should be a fairly sizable, year-ending turd.

Teams: West Virginia vs. Texas A&M

Location: Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium in Memphis, Tenn.

Date: December 29

Watch this bowl if you…Come on man, don't act like you have something better to do.

Remember when Texas A&M was ranked sixth in the country? Remember that? That was like two months ago. Since then they've lost five of seven and benched their opening day starting QB, Kenny Hill. That's what you call a reality check. Still it pales in comparison to the reality check their last starting QB got from the Bengals this past Sunday.

It's all about perspective, we guess.

Teams: Duke vs. Arizona State

Location: Sun Bowl Stadium in El Paso, Texas

Date: December 27

Watch this bowl if you…Didn't get an Xbox One, PS4 or Wii U for Christmas.

It was a rough year for "smart" schools. After four straight double-digit winning seasons, Stanford fell to a relatively disappointing 7-5. On top of that, both Vanderbilt and Northwestern (who both appeared to be combining academics and football) reverted to conference doormats. Still, Duke (building on their 10-4, 2013 season) is finally standing tall at 9-3. Their successful campaign sees them rewarded with a matchup against legendary party institution (and alleged "university") Arizona State.

Teams: Louisville vs. Georgia

Location: Bank of America Stadium in Charlotte, N.C.

Date: December 30

Watch this bowl if you…Feel like watching a bunch of commercials for a store that you'll probably never shop at.

Belk is probably a great store. It looks cool in the commercials. But has anyone outside of North Carolina ever been to one? And more importantly, is there a reason why we're subjected to so many Belk commercials during this bowl game when most of the country doesn't actually live near one? Oh well. It'll be a small price to pay for what should be a pretty decent game between ACC and SEC foes.

Teams: Nebraska vs. USC

Location: Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, Calif.

Date: December 27

Watch this bowl if you…Want to see how Nebraska responds to Bo Pelini's firing.

There's a couple of bowls that feature former powers pairing-up in contests that can only be called "humbling." But for our money there's no matchup that'd confuse a ten-year coma patient more than Nebraska and USC in the freakin' Holiday Bowl. Both programs combined have: 84 conference titles, 16 national titles, and 10 Heisman winners. For a century this would've been a showdown for the ages, now it's merely worth watching to see how Nebraska comes out after the firing of their apparently beloved coach.

Teams: Clemson vs. Oklahoma

Location: Orlando Citrus Bowl Stadium in Orlando, Fla.

Date: December 29

Watch this bowl if you…Haven't had a chance to see Samaje Perine play yet.

On three different occasions this season, Perine ran for more than 200 yards in a game. And during a game against Kansas, he managed to rack up 427 rushing yards to set a new NCAA record. So all eyes will be set squarely on him during this bowl game—and rightfully so. Oklahoma's season has been kind of a bust. But a strong performance from Perine will make this game worth watching.

Teams: Boise State vs. Arizona

Location: University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Ariz.

Date: December 31

Watch this bowl if you…Love betting on, er, rooting for underdogs.

In 2007, BSU knocked off Oklahoma 43-42 in the Fiesta Bowl in a stunning upset. In 2010, they beat TCU in the Fiesta Bowl, a team that many people thought deserved to be in the national championship game that year. So we can't wait to see what they've got up their sleeves for 2014. Why doesn't the Fiesta Bowl just invite Boise every year?

Teams: Kansas State vs. UCLA

Location: Alamodome in San Antonio, Texas

Date: January 2

Watch this bowl if you…Want to (maybe?) see Jay Z patrolling the sidelines.

After this game, UCLA quarterback Brett Hundley is expected to announce that he will go pro. And when he does, he's expected to sign with Jay Z's Roc Nation Sports. So even though the game isn't being played in the most high-profile city (sorry, San Antonio!), there's a chance Jay (and Beyoncé?) could show up here to scoop up Roc Nation's newest star after the bowl game is over.

Teams: Mississippi State vs. Georgia Tech

Location: Sun Life Stadium in Miami Gardens, Fla.

Date: December 31

Watch this bowl if you…Already think Dak Prescott is going to win the Heisman Trophy in 2015.

Even though this definitely isn't the bowl that Mississippi State wanted to play in this year, they had a great season. And that season should get even better. They've got the offense to score on GT almost at will and, because they've had more than a month to prepare for the Yellow Jackets, their defense shouldn't have much trouble shutting down the triple-option that Tech runs. It's not too early to break out the "DAK FOR HEISMAN!" T-shirts and signs, State fans.

Teams: Wisconsin vs. Auburn

Location: Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Fla.

Date: January 1

Watch this bowl if you…Can manage to get up in time.

If this list were ranked around desirable time slots, the Outback Bowl (noon ET on New Years Day) would be a distant last. But if you manage to power through and get up for it you'll get to watch Melvin Gordon one last time before he books for the pros. If he can somehow churn out 293 yards against Auburn’s rushing defense (which allowed roughly half that per game on average this season) he’ll break Barry Sanders’ single-season rushing record (2,628 yards in three fewer games in 1988). We know it's a long shot, but hangover or not, is that really something you want to miss?

Yeah, maybe.

Teams: Michigan State vs. Baylor

Location: AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas

Date: January 1

Watch this bowl if you…Want to see how Baylor responds to being "snubbed" by the Playoff committee.

Kicking off just a half-hour after the Outback Bowl is the Cotton Bowl, which pairs No. 5 Baylor against No. 8 Michigan State. Baylor features the top rated offense in the country, and it should be interesting to see how many points they try to stack up against the Spartans to spite the Playoff committee. Not only does MSU need to contend with a pissed off bull er, bear, but they're also inserted smack dab in the middle of a big-time bowl game that's crucial to rebuilding the Big Ten's rep. Last year they came up huge against Stanford, can they follow suit again a year later?

Teams: Ole Miss vs. TCU

Location: Georgia Dome in Atlanta, Ga.

Date: December 31

Watch this bowl if you…Want to see how TCU responds to being "snubbed" by the Playoff committee.

Depending on your Big 12 allegiance, you may have a different opinion in what Lone Star team got screwed by the Playoff committee (all you know is that it wasn't Texas). That means both TCU and Baylor have nearly identical bowl agendas, go in, kick ass, and then wonder why [whichever team gets beat the worst] was in the Playoff. Ole Miss could do the committee a huge favor by pulling off the upset.

Teams: Ohio State vs. Alabama

Location: Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, La.

Date: January 1

Watch this bowl if you…If you read this far, we assume you'll be watching.

Ohio State's back-to-back national title no-shows in 2006 and 2007 helped create both the SEC and Big Ten's current, contrasting images. Now they have a chance for some redemption. Unfortunately, the Big Ten has dug such a hole that a close game won't cut it, the Buckeyes have to win (people remember losses, not point margins). Now they just got to beat the No. 1 team in the country with their third-string quarterback. No sweat.

If they don't, expect round-the-clock bitching from the rest of the college football world until next year's Playoff.

Teams: Florida State vs. Oregon

Location: Rose Bowl in Pasadena, Calif.

Date: January 1

Watch this bowl if you…Want to hear announcers talk about Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota for four hours.

A showdown of the past two Heisman winners sees Oregon finally looking to ride their offense to a national title (seriously, it has to happen at some point, right?) against Florida State and their 29-game winning streak. If this game were to follow FSU's 2014 theme, they'll dig themselves a big hole via two suspect first-half picks before pulling off a miracle and winning by a field goal.

Also Winston will cause a controversy about a week prior to kickoff.

Teams: TBD

Location: AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas

Date: January 12

Watch this bowl if you…Spent the last decade arguing in favor of a college football playoff.

IT'S FINALLY HERE. Watch it. Embrace it. And then tell everyone about how you'd love to see eight or 16 teams in the playoff next year. Because after looking at this list, we clearly need a few more bowls added to the mix, right?