A History of Lawrence Taylor's Craziest Moments

Image via Complex Original

Date: 4/28/1981

It's hard to imagine that the second overall pick would celebrate his impending fortune by slamming 41 Coors Lights (come to think of it, it's hard to image how he didn't die). But Taylor ushered in his NFL career with a bang and a tradition we'll never see again because the projected top picks fly to New York City to awkwardly sit at a table until their names are called. The New York Giants were elated that the Saints had passed on Taylor with the first overall selection (they ended up drafting running back George Rogers) because, as their head coach Ray Perkins put it, "He was the cleanest player in the draft. By that I mean there was no rap on him."

Date: 1981

It didn't take long for Taylor's recklessness to give him a reputation within the organization. On the field he was known for playing like a man of iron, giving little to no shits about ever sustaining an injury. That same carelessness that was so fun to watch extended to life off the field. During his rookie campaign he was speeding and almost died in a car accident. This caused the Giants to come up with a $2 million policy to morbidly profit off of potential death with GM George Young telling the team's trainer that he'd be "Surprised if he lived past age 30." By our count he's been cheating death for a quarter of a century, and counting. The Game would be proud.

Date: 1981-2008

OK, we kid. Sort of. File this one away for the SATs: What spinach was to Popeye, coke was to Lawrence Taylor (if you want a comparable buzz, snort 10 Red Bulls up your nose). His coach may have regarded him as "clean" during his prep years in Chapel Hill, but it was less than a year before L.T. started funding Pablo Escobar's kids' college funds. Like many lifelong addictions it all started at a party. By his third season in the pros he was smoking up to an ounce of crack a day (if you want a comparable buzz, smoke an ounce of crack per day). The drug usage escalated Taylor to the top of the NFL's miscreant pantheon and made his on-field presence even more impressive.

Date: Unknown. "Early" in his career.

Taylor breathed meaning into the "party animal" cliche. He came to practice (when he showed up) reeking of booze and downed a bottle of Scope to counteract the stench. Not the greatest strategy in the world.

But the man did have a foolproof way to combat the effects of STDs (a trait you'd need when relying on ladies of the night). The remedy? Well we ruined it for you in the headline, but it was a strawberry milkshake laced with penicillin. And though it probably tasted like that blue water in a porta-john (nor, do we think it looked like the shake above) it kept L.T. from developing lava dick and ending up on New York's injured reserve.

Date: 1981-1993

When "Bountygate" was developing there were two schools of thought. Some were appalled, while others assumed that this had been going on since the league's inception. For example, anybody who was watching 60 Minutes on Nov. 30, 2003 heard Lawrence Taylor say that the Giants paid $500 to $1,000 for big hits. He even called it a "bounty." In a more innocent time (Huh? What the hell is CTE?) people didn't care about rewards for big hits. But in an era where the NFL is shatting it's pants over potential litigation, Goodell would've had his scapegoat in perpetual villain L.T.

Date: Unknown

You know how analysts and announcers constantly refer to "veteran moves?" This is what they mean. Taylor claimed to send call girls to opposing players' rooms to "keep them up as long as possible" presumably playing Scrabble or watching TV. He claimed to have gotten the idea after it was pulled on him when he was younger by the Houston Oilers.

In a stunt straight out of Any Given Sunday (which he had a heavy role in) Taylor channeled the power of prostitutes for a leg up on game day. It was like the Michael Jordan flu food poisoning game, except you got food poisoning in your dick!  And even though these fundamentals differ from what we (thought we) knew about football, we're expecting this option to be integrated into Madden any year now.

Date: 11/18/1985

What do Willis McGahee, Kevin Ware, and Joe Theismann all have in common? They all suffered injuries that'd make, even, Johnny Knoxville cringe. We don't advise clicking here, but if you do you'll see one of the most gruesome injuries of all-time (and that would be true even if you were an ER doctor) inflicted on the national stage of Monday Night Football. It'll make you think twice next time you're asked "touch or tackle?"

Date: February 1986

After a 1985 "off year," (where he had 13 sacks and made the Pro Bowl) L.T. checked into Methodist Hospital in Houston, under a fake name, to begin, and abruptly end, rehab. After one group therapy session Taylor walked out because he thought the other addicts there were "crazy." It makes us curious to know the stories of the other patients. After all, L.T. had spent the season chewing glass, dancing on stripper poles, and dropping $700 at a time to armed drug dealers. We better be talking about Amanda Bynes level here. After leaving the hospital, L.T. spent the rest of the offseason playing golf across the country with his agent. He returned in 1986 to lead the NFL in sacks, win the MVP award, and beat John Elway and the Broncos 39-20 in Super Bowl XXI. 

Date: August 1988

Rock bottom is when you need somebody else's piss to avoid a suspension for any reason ever. Taylor found a crafty way to have his coke and eat it too. Simply use another guy's lemonade to keep you on the field. Get your money, and pay the dealers. Everyone's happy. In the pre-whizzinator days L.T. found "clean" teammates and had them piss in an aspirin bottle he carried around. When the test came he'd pour his peers' pee into the cup.

That was all well and good until one of the urine samples he was given was also tainted with residual narcotics. Which raises the question of why somebody would give him it in the first place? The real kicker, the unnamed player who got L.T. his second drug violation strike (the first being in the 1987 preseason) passed his exam.

Date: 1989

At this point you probably realized that Lawrence Taylor's career was basically the real life version of ESPN's Playmakers. A never-ending juxtaposition of constant off the fields hijinks and visceral, made-for-TV, concussion inducing hits. Of course, by "hijinks" we mean paying for sex.

After a night with some call girls, Taylor ended up going to a Bill Parcells-led team meeting in a pair of handcuffs too erotic for the NYPD. The reason? The prostitutes gave their profession a bad name by lacking the competence to bring the keys.

Date: 4/2/1995

It couldn't get more '90s than Taylor's one-off wrestling debut in a match against Bam Bam Bigelow during WrestleMania XI.  The match was ushered in by Salt-n-Pepa singing "Whatta Man." And the guest time keeper for an earlier match was none other than Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the unofficial prince of the decade. It all led up to the main event; a three-month long rivalry intended to continue to boost popularity in the absolutely thriving WWF.

The "feud" had started a few weeks earlier when Bigelow had shoved L.T. after being eliminated from the '95 Royal Rumble. He offered up no apology and instead offered to settle the beef like old southern gentlemen; by facing off in the squared circle in front of 16,000 man children.

When the day finally came, Taylor's entourage included fellow NFLers: Ken Norton Jr., Chris Speilman, and Reggie White. They were there to keep Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation (a.k.a. Bigelow's entourage) honest. When the match began he had his back tested with a Boston Crab, a kick to the back of the head, a moonsault flip, and several headbutts before turning the tide and landing his massive forearm on Bigelow's face just prior to pinning him, much to the embarrassment of the wrestling vet. 

On the way out, Bigelow was less than a gentleman and challenged Lawrence's trainer, Diesel, to a match then and there. Much to his chagrin, one of his allies, Tatanka, turned on him allowing him to get pinned twice in under ten minutes. After that, he got stomped by his own entourage and became friends with Diesel. And with that wrap-up you now remember why the league was thriving.

Date: Unknown length of time after retirement.

You'd be surprised at how many results show up when you Google "Lawrence Taylor prostitutes." It's around 2,250,000. The basic idea is that the man loved hookers. But we also learned that he spent a grand daily, and could call up to six prostitutes in a 24-hour period. This, of course, is more prostitutes than most of us call up in a month.

When you're spending a thousand dollars a day on sex, you're either dating Evelyn Lozada or you've hit a new low. In L.T.'s case it was the latter. It's the type of thing that eventually backfires on you (more on that in a minute). But after L.T. retired his schedule really cleared up and he had time to pursue his two great non-football passions: drugs and hookers. Some former players prefer to break down game film, but that just wasn't 56's way. And that's why L.T. gets a list like this instead of, say, Kurt Warner.

Date: Mid-'90s

Taylor admits he hit his nadir when he would cruise with his fancy Cadillac through rundown neighborhoods simply searching for his next high. One such neighborhood was "The Hill" in Spring Valley, NY. Taylor claims to have spotted three dealers but their drug selling procedure made him nervous. One got in the back of his car, one blocked his door, and the other called "shotgun." The dude in the passengers seat eyed his Rolex and after the drug transaction, he (temporarily) took it, at gunpoint, in addition to a diamond pinkie ring. He then handed the gun to his cohort outside the car to add years to their potential felony.

Taylor, seeing his opportunity, gunned it, driving on the curb while the freaked out attempted robber panicked. He threatened Taylor with the gun he no longer had and got his ass kicked by the former most-feared player in the NFL. In an ending straight out of a Disney movie, Taylor got his watch back, as well as the ring, threw him out of the car by the neck, and went home and smoked his crack.

Date: 1/16/1994-2000

After the whole "tainted urine" incident, L.T. had to be on his best behavior and refrain from doing drugs, lest he risk a "third strike" and possible banishment from the NFL. In short, he had to follow his own advice. That means he had a five-year hiatus from coke lasting from 1988-1993. When talking about his plans after retirement he said "[cocaine was] the only bright spot in his future." With no more drug tests, he was free to indulge. The day after retirement he was smoking crack. 

Eventually Obviously, this development led to a full-on relapse. With no football intervals between the drug use, and a pile of money to burn, he became a junkie. At some point his house resembled Jesse Pinkman's from Breaking Bad, becoming a veritable crack den, filled with hookers and other junkies and using sheets to cover the windows. It took a couple of arrests and a jail threat to turn his life around and re-focus his energy into something less crack related. Somehow that made it worse...

Date: May 2010

In May 2010, Taylor injected himself back into the news cycle by having sex with a 16-year-old prostitute. In fairness to L.T., he claims the woman did say she was 19. And if you can't believe the word of a hooker, who can you trust? But when Gloria Allred is pretending to care about your opposition in court, you know you're in for a long (and very public) trial.

Public trials in New York hardly ever turn out well for anyone involved. The victim (who got beaten up by her pimp until she agreed to meet Taylor in his hotel room) was accused of being an opportunist by crazy fans who think their favorite players are family. Meanwhile, L.T. was mocked for not lasting long, and it was revealed that he swung his used condom over his head like he was at a damn rodeo.

It all ended when Taylor registered as a sex offender, and both he and his wife did bizarre interviews with god's gift to mustaches, Geraldo Rivera. We'd like to think this was the end of the ordeal but the old "Apple doesn't fall far from the tree" idiom was dusted off three years later when his son, Lawrence Jr., was also convicted of statutory rape.

Anyway, happy birthday No. 56!