The 15 Types of People You Meet at Pick-Up Basketball Games

Image via Complex Original

Never underestimate the 40 year old with old man strength. You can't teach old man strength, it just comes like hair loss. That old fart has been playing at those courts since he was a kid and knows every bounce, every cranny, every nook of that playground. He has a metal knee brace that will give you 30 stitches so you best stay away. He's slower than you but always seems to get to the bucket and you have your hand in his face but he still manages to drain a jumper in your mouth. Respect your elders, young buck.

We call these guys Billy Hos. They're on the sidelines patiently waiting to get picked up, stretching, doing jumping jacks, and what not. We always underestimate these guys even after we've watched White Men Can't Jump for the 100th time. After he calls next, his teams stay on the court for the remainder of the night because when all else fails his J remains constant. Whether a hand is in his face or wide open, it doesn't matter. All you hear is the sound of the net, no rim.

That little 100-pound 12-year-old is the best player on his team, is quick like lightning, and has studied Kyrie Irving's crossover a million times. Put that young'n on the floor and show him who's boss. Because if you fail to do that, that little bastard will torch you with a smile on his face. Oh, and he could shoot too. He shoots with all his might, but he could shoot, so D up.

Oh, you didn't think the pretty girl was All-City and has a basketball scholarship to a D1 school waiting on her kitchen table? Shame on you. If a girl is at a pick-up game full of men, eight times out of 10, she can play with the best of 'em. Now your ankles are broken and your ego is shattered because you made an ass out of yourself by assuming. Now treat her to some Gatorade or something. She could be the next Skylar Diggins.

The trash-talker can either be funny or disrespectful. And he could either be good or a complete bum. It sucks when homie has game and a mouth like Gary Payton. The only thing you could hope for is for him to be on your team. However, if he sucks and is disrespectful, step to him and make him regret he opened his mouth. Those are the guys that usually don't quit, always talking shit with no game.

Nasty ass. Like play with a built-in towel or something. This guy sweats like Patrick Ewing in a game to 16. Get your glands checked, man. Or at the very least buy some shirt that'll make your excessive perspiration a little less noticable. The ball is wet after he touches it and God forbid he tries to post you up. Now you have his sweat all over you and you're an hour away from home.

This one watched The Cable Guy one too many times. He plays as if he's getting paid millions of dollars and his life is on the line. Once in awhile it's cool to have a dude like that on your side but for the most part he almost always takes it too far. He fouls hard, plays hard, and is ready to fight if he loses. Just let these guys go through the motions and hope a brawl doesn't break out.

"Oh, that was a walk? A carry? Up and down? Double-dribble? Out of bounds? We hate cheaters and you should too. For whatever reason, they're the only ones making the calls and then start to complain when nobody agrees including their teammates. Give the cheater their way once in awhile just to avoid an agrument but when they start to try and change the course of the game, take the ball and check up. If they don't like it, tell them to either ball up or shut up.

Lazy bastard. Cherry pickers are sorry excuses for humans. They, in fact, might be the worst kinds of humans. It's cool to cherry pick if you've been playing all day and it's the last run. We won't hold that against you. But if you think it's kosher to not play defense and just kick it on the other end of the court then you need Jesus in your life.

This dude chucks everything and acts surprised when he builds a brick schoolhouse by the time the game ends. He also gets mad when he's passed up because, you know, it's not like he just missed his last 15 shots. "Shooters shoot!," he yells. Throw the game and hope that the guy who has next picks you up and relegates Mr. Ball Hog to get layups in whenever the game shifts to the other end of the court.

You know the guy: headband, armbands, shooting sleeve, calf sleeves, wristbands, padded performance wear, latest kicks, complete scrub. Fuck this guy. Keep him off the court by all means. He should spend more time practicing and less time in the mirror.

This fool dribbles all fucking day and goes nowhere. Every layup is a reverse or a 360. And every layup is missed by a mile. Sometimes these types can actually play but they almost always lose the game due to their excessive antics. Get the ball out of their hands or get someone from the opposing team to deck him. He'll tone it down after an elbow to the rib cage.

He calls fouls after the fact, too. He'll wait to see if the ball goes in as if he were getting a free throw for his efforts. This particular fellow is one of the worst people on this list, always crying like he plays for the Heat. A game to 11 will last four hours if you let him get his way. Next time he comes down the lane try to draw blood.

This inconsiderate neanderthal is even worse than the sweaty guy. The sweaty guy can't help that he sweats like a stool pigeon. The hairy, shirtless guy can help the fact he has a wooly and repulsive coat. He can shave or at the very least where a fucking shirt. We don't need your taco meat on or around our body. Put a shirt on before you start trying to live on the lower block.

By his own account he has never commited a foul in his entire life. It's not like the slap isn't still echoing and he's drawn blood. Oh wait. Be prepared to go home with some bruises on account of this guy. We know it's men playing streetball but sometimes hackers take it too far. Almost to the point where you have to fear for your safety. No one wants to go to the hospital because of  a pick-up game.