Date: 11/27/2009

Turns out Tiger was sleeping with every scandalous chick on the planet, which didn't sit well with his super model wife Elin (some people are just really uptight). Initial media reports said that an enraged Elin whacked him in the melon with a golf club, an ironic twist that would earn a solid "B+" in 8th grade creative writing.

On one hand, it's hard to blame Tiger for what he did. In what other universe could a cornball like Tiger find himself bumping golf carts with so many beautiful women? Like many dumb males before him, he made some bad decisions and destroyed his family. But some of these affairs were going on in 2004, as in the same year he said his vows. That begs the question: Why the hell get married at all!? Also, when you're texting pornstars about "golden showers," you've officially lost. A Stanford graduate should understand the risk involved with putting ones urination fantasies in writing.