What makes a Wal-Mart parking lot so much more romantic than say, a shopping mall parking lot or a Home Depot parking lot? If you've never fooled around in a Wal-Mart parking lot, you've never truly known romance. First of all, most Wal-Mart Supercenters are open twenty-four hours a day, so, at night, your partner will radiate, bathed in the neon glow of the storefront. Close your eyes and the lines of shopping carts being pushed to and fro by blue-vested employees will invoke sounds of the crashing waves of the sea. Townies walking by in their NASCAR T-shirts and Looney Tunes pajama pants, having just purchased weed whackers and value-packs of boxer briefs, will provide you just the right amount of voyeuristic titillation.

For those of us who can't just jump on a plane and head to Paris, there's always the Wal-Mart parking lot. And for those who can't tell when we're being sarcastic, go eat an oil filter.