Thanks to black-and-white movies featuring suave dudes zigzagging along the Italian coast with sultry sexpots clutching them tightly—and Quadrophenia, of course—Vespas have a certain romantic appeal. But unless you're Gregory Peck and your passenger is Audrey Hepburn—and it's 1953—you will never look good riding one of those two-wheeled toys. (On the other hand, it's quite possible that we're missing something.) Join us as we entertain what we might look like on a Vespa, and how awful we'd feel if anyone ever saw us.