Disaster Casting: If the Key Players in the NBA Lockout Were Movie Characters

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It's day 1,981 (roughly) of the NBA Lockout. Colors seem to be fading. We have no food, no jobs...our pets' heads are falling off! In fact, the lockout is eerily similar to a movie script: there have been shocking plot twists, heroes, villains, and unexpected revelations. But will there be a happy ending? Sure, if Requiem for a Dream is your idea of a happy movie ending. So in the spirit of laughing to keep from crying, we've found the movie character equivalents of the key players in the lockout. Now, if we could all just leave the theater and go home to watch a damn basketball game...

By Ben York

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Every NBA Fan Is "Every Human Being" (The Happening)

In The Happening, there is a deadly, universal force (caused by "nature," mind you - this is a terrible, terrible movie) that makes humans want to do dumb things like jump off skyscrapers. Or, crash their car into a tree. Or, lay down in a grassy knoll while a gigantic lawnmower tears them to pieces. The reactions by these humans is not unlike what NBA fans experience each hour the lockout rages on. When David Stern and Billy Hunter keep announcing no progress is being made, somewhere a basketball gets stabbed. Or, a net is cut into a million pieces. Or, a chainsaw rips through a backboard. This begs the question: Is the NBA, like "nature," releasing a neurotoxin on its owners, forcing them to be morons? Probably not. But maybe.

David Stern Is "Dr. Evil" (Austin Powers)

It is a physical and mental impossibility to picture Dr. Evil without his right pinky touching his lips in diabolical fashion. Now, thanks to Dwyane Wade, it is also impossible to think of David Stern without his accusatory pointer finger. And while David Stern holds the NBA hostage, it remains unclear if he will subsequently attempt to place a stranglehold on the rest of the world with a "Death Star" or "frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads" as is Dr. Evil's specialty. On a creepy note, if Dr. Evil is David Stern does that mean Frau Farbissina is Adam Silver? Eww.

Michael Jordan Is "Lando Calrissian" (The Empire Strikes Back)

Originally, Calrissian seems like a cool cat who just wants to stay out of everyone's biz-nass. That is, until Darth Vader (hmm, Dr. Evil's understudy for David Stern?) threatens him and his city unless he gives up the location of Han Solo. He agrees to turn his back on his friends but eventually has a change of heart and helps the Rebel Alliance (NBA players?) escape. Jordan was on the players' side during the previous lockout in the late 90's, criticizing poor ownership for not being able to turn a profit. Now, as majority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats, Jordan has turned his back on the players in favor of capping their share of basketball-related income at 50 percent and as low as 47. It remains to be seen, however, if Jordan will have a change of heart as Calrissian did. In Lando's case though, getting strangled by Chewbacca helped set him straight pretty quickly. If Chris Kaman can channel his inner Chewbacca, history has a good chance of repeating itself.

George Cohen Is "Fabrizio" (Titanic) 

Whether you like it or not, the NBA Lockout drama makes for an incredibly compelling movie. But as with any film, there are characters involved that have absolutely no point, no relevance, and virtually nothing to do with the plot. Maybe they were supposed to have a dramatic effect originally, but the execution was poor at best. Take, for example, James Cameron's epic film, Titanic (kind of ironic with the NBA also being a sinking ship). Chances are you don't remember anyone named Fabrizio, right? What, pray tell, was Cameron's reasoning for including him? Presumably it was to add depth and vibrancy to a morose plot. Um, fail. Similarly to Fabrizio, it's safe to say that in 10-15 years you won't remember anyone named George Cohen being involved with the NBA Lockout. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE IRRELEVANT, POINTLESS CHARACTERS. Cohen (the federal mediator) has failed to bring the two sides together and will forever be remembered as "that one dude who tried to talk to both sides but didn't really do much."

Chris Broussard Is "Mark Bellison" (The Invention of Lying)

In The Invention of Lying, Mark Bellison (Ricky Gervais) and the rest of the world hasn't figured out the timeless beauty of lying yet. They, essentially, state whatever is on their mind regardless of how bland or obvious it may be. Is this not the perfect person to play ESPN Insider, Chris Broussard? Take a look at some of his tweets from November 7 and tell me Mark Bellison wasn't made for this role: "Parker said players have 2 options: accept deal or decertify." Um, no shit Chris. "some reps may favor decertification, while others may want to accept the deal." So, you're saying that some people like the proposed deal and others don't? Awesome. Thank you for pounding us over the head with your obvious stick.

Billy Hunter Is Nicolas Cage (any movie he's been in)

Have you ever seen Nicolas Cage and Billy Hunter in the same room at the same time? Exactly. Like Nicolas Cage's acting skills, I have no clue what to make of Billy Hunter. None. Hear me out: Wasn't Nicolas Cage brilliant in Leaving Las Vegas and Adaptation? But then what the hell was he thinking when he made Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans? Or, Season of the Witch? In regards to Billy Hunter, there are days when he seems intelligent and fights justly for a fair deal for all NBA players, but then there are times when he seems selfishly power-hungry. If Hunter continues to follow the course of the enigma that is Nicolas Cage, it certainly doesn't bode well; one of Cage's upcoming films is The Frozen Ground...produced by revolutionary filmmaker, 50 Cent.

Derek Fisher Is "Jefferson Smith" (Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)

Does anyone honestly think NBPA president Derek Fisher knows what he's doing? Similarly, when Jefferson Smith (Jimmy Stewart) filibustered for half the movie in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, did you really think he knew what the hell he was doing? Clearly, he was talking to make sure he was breathing. Isn't this what's happening with Derek Fisher and the NBPA? Even NBA veteran Jerry Stackhouse recently said he doesn't want Fisher negotiating his deal. Furthermore, in a recent letter to NBA players, Fisher says: "Interesting times right now. The clock is ticking and we are aware that games are being lost, our jobs are on the line as are those of all the arena workers and business owners impacted by the lockout." SHOCKING. Still, let's hope Fisher's filibuster ends up paying off.

Roger Mason is "Scooby-Doo" (Scooby-Doo)

"Scooby, don't press that button!" Ah, but we all know that Scooby will. After all, he's a dumbass. Upon pressing said button, destruction will inevitably follow. Maybe a building will start to crumble. Or, they'll get trapped in a room filled with snakes (which, by the way, isn't too far off in regards to lockout negotiations). In Roger Mason's case, like Scooby, he pressed that (send) button. After a friend texted him asking how long he thought the lockout could continue, Mason responded with, "Looking like a season. How u" thinking it was a text...but it actually posted to his Twitter account. Like Scooby, it's safe to say that once Mason realized what happened, it was followed by a "ruh-roh."