You're Not Cool: The 10 Biggest Squares in NBA History

Image via Complex Original

The NBA likes to present itself as the coolest league in sports, and in many ways, it is. However, among the league's 430-odd players, there are bound to be some guys that are uncool—i.e., SQUARES. And we're not just talking about clean-cut guys who don't taunt opponents or shoot up strip-club parking lots—nope, to truly be a square, you have to be utterly, thoroughly devoid of swag. Like, for example, A.C. Green. The Showtime-era Laker legend, who turns 47 today, is remembered not for his solid All-Star numbers, but for the fact that he was a virgin for his entire NBA career. (A virgin? Homey needed a slap!) How could an A.C. be so uncool? While you ponder that, we're celebrating his birthday with this countdown of the 10 biggest squares in NBA history (post-MJ, of course)...

Complex says: Superman entered the league as a Bible-thumping high school kid, quickly emerged as the media's toothy, non-threatening black star of choice, and will likely waltz into a post-career role as a gentle giant on some CW comedy. He'd be higher on the list, but he did impregnate an NBA dance-squad girl. That's kinda cool.

Complex says: Seems fitting that Shawn is currently running as a Republican candidate for a seat in the Utah House. Somehow, we think the "NBA Bitches Vol. 1" YouTube clip above won't be part of his campaign. Sidebar: What's the point of being Mormon if you're not gonna Big Love it out with multiple wives?

Complex says: Hmmm...Chinese-American, Harvard grad, devout Christian. This is kinda by default, yeah? At least Monta Ellis will have help on his math homework. We kid, we kid. Jeremy, you're cool.

Complex says: Again with the Bible-thumping. This is the dude that you do NOT want to share an elevator with, lest he hit you with a barrage of Biblical bullstuff. However, Charlie did have this money quote, in defense of his alleged anti-Semitic comments: "I have friends that are Jewish. Actually, my friend is a Jewish guy, and his name is Jesus Christ." Ahat! (c) Jadakiss

Complex says: We'll overlook the Duke part (too easy) and his strange, ridged skull (genetic)...but yeah, when the video above constitutes your wildest off-court moment as an NBA player...you're a square, Shane.

Complex says: All big white stiffs (pause) in the NBA are not created equal, and just because you're tall, white, and goofy doesn't make you uncool. Chris Kaman, he's kind of cool. Scalabrine? Definitely cool. But Mark Madsen...words can't really describe how uncool you are. So, we'll let your legendary drunk-sales-dude-at-Xmas-party dance clip do the honors.

Complex says: Meet the Twin Towers...of Uncoolness. David's a military man who holds the modern-day NBA record for "Most Consecutive Games Played Without a Shape-Up." Timmy's favorite hobbies include "sword and knife collecting, Dungeons & Dragons, fantasy video games & paintball"—and to that list, we'll add "getting tattoos of jesters and Merlins." Hey, we love these guys, but call

Complex says: We'll go ahead and give "runner-up" status to every white player who ever laced

Complex says: ...and the most famous non-white Jazz player, Mr. Karl Malone. He gets a single cool point for allegedly making a pass at Kobe's wife (not really "cool," maybe, but certainly hilarious), but everything else about the Mailman—his staunch Republican support, his love for 18-wheelers and professional wrestling, the entire "black cowboy" shtick...man. Where do we begin?

Complex says: Your biggest claim to fame is being the most whipped athlete in the history of athlete-kind. Video evidence here, etherous NY Times story here. Sorry, dude: Teach us how NOT to Dougie.