Complex NFL Pick 'Em: Week 3 Predictions

1 P.M.) TENNESSEE @ NEW YORK GIANTS: "Tennessee, 24-23. The G-Men let cotdamn Donald Brown and Joseph Addai run up in them last week. If they can do that, this week, Chris Johnson gets a couple guys pregnant."

SNF) NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI: "Miami, 20-17. I fully expect Mark Sanchez to be rattled by the fact that he's not the prettiest man in the building Sunday night. I see you, RAWSE!"

MNF) GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO: "Green Bay, 27-21. Jay Cutler has a sour face of privilege that says, 'Smack the shit out of me.' I think the Packers D will oblige."

1 P.M.) TENNESSEE @ NEW YORK GIANTS: "Giants, 21-10. Eli & Co. rebound and our offensive line finally stops acting like pussies and opens some holes for Bradshaw. (II)"

SNF) NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI: "Jets, 14-7. Braylon scores the winning touchdown, doesn't do the dougie and gives the ball right to the ref. Class act."

MNF) GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO: "Chicago, 24-14. Could care less."

4 P.M.) WASHINGTON @ ST. LOUIS: "Washington, 28-10. OK, no more picking against my team. The last time we played St. Louis was in 2008—I was in the middle of a cross-country drive (thanks, Audi) and listening to the game live on Sirius radio. The Rams sucked back then, too, but somehow they beat us. The two operative differences from '08 and '10? McNizzle + Shanny >>>> Jason '4-12' Campbell and 'Clueless' Jim Zorn. So that ain't happening again."

SNF) NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI: "Jets, 21-9. Sucks for the haters, but I think the Jets are actually gonna be pretty good after all. I gave Miami three field goals, because I hope Dan Carpenter goes off and kicks some long ones to help the Monsters of Kwak to a fantasy W."

MNF) GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO: "Chicago, 35-30. Also sucks for the haters, but Cutler's gonna have a big year. And Green Bay needs to be taken down a notch."

4 P.M.) INDIANAPOLIS @ DENVER: "Indianapolis, 31-24. Yeah, yeah, DeMariyus Thomas is that new dude. Yeah, yeah, Eddie Royal is no longer the fantasy bust he was last year. Yeah, yeah, Neckbeard Orton can throw the pill. But yeah yeah yeah yeah YEAH, did you see what happened last Sunday night? And being a mile in the air makes Freeney & Mathis EVEN FASTER. Even if Pierre Garçon stays asleep, we got shootout weapons for days. So gwaan, throw it. We're ready."

SNF) NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI: "Miami, 17-10. Bye-bye, Revis. Bye-bye, hopes of containing Brandon Marshall. Bye-bye, Sanchez' newfound comfort and LT's newfound fresh legs against Miami's surprisingly stout ayO-line. The AFC East, like the North, has been just plain weird so far. Everyone beats everyone else, and now it's Miami's turn to be the weird victor."

MNF) GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO: "Green Bay, 27-21. If there's a team ready to come to Soldier Field and go airborne, it's Aaron Rodgers. So what if Brandon Jackson isn't who they said he was? Jermichael Finley's been going orf like Dorf, and the Pack's just the team to contain Matt Forte. Plus, you can't start thinking Devin Hester's gonna be able to pull off a catch like last week's beauty every time out. It's still Jay Cutler, and he's still smaller than Spliff Star."

4 P.M.) OAKLAND @ ARIZONA: "Oakland, 24-13. So we're in Week 3 and the Raiders have already changed quarterbacks. So what. I said they'd go 11-5 this year, now I'm gonna amend that to 12-4. And obviously if you're going 12-4, you're not losing to Arizona, even on the road. Gradkowski rallies the offense and Nnamdi gives Larry Fitzgerald a shitty day at the office."

SNF) NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI: "Miami, 10-3. Forgive me if I'm not biting into the Jets' goddamn snack buzz just yet. The win over the Pats was big, but New England has a green defense, so we'll see how the Jets do against a Dolphins' D that completely shut down the Vikings on the road last week."

MNF) GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO: "Green Bay, 28-17. I used to love watching Monday Night Football. Then I started waking up at 5:30 in the morning. I can never stay up for these fucking things any more, so Aaron Rodgers is a Cal dude, Jay Cutler's not, I hope something exciting happens in the first quarter, blahblahblah *snores* Packers win."

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SNF) NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI: "Jets, 17-14. The distractions don't effect the J-E-T-S."

MNF) GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO: "Green Bay, 28-24. WOOOOOOOODSON will pick off Cutler at least twice."

1 P.M.) SAN FRANCISCO @ KANSAS CITY: "San Francisco, 24-14. We got so close last week, it's time for a win."

SNF) NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI: "Jets, 20-14. Gotta love Rex."

MNF) GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO: "Green Bay, 35-21. Even though it pains me to root for the Packers, Cutler just can't be that good."