The Race Card: Drunk Patrick Kane, Vuvuzelas, & More

Image via Complex Original

After a bit of a layoff, our resident race-baiters Whitey Ford and Dark Man X are back like cooked crack for this week's edition of the Race Card. Drunk Stanley Cup champs, NFL scuffles at strip clubs, and bzzzzzzzz—vuvuzelas—bzzzzzzzz are the latest controversial topics. So, without further ado, let the racial discord commence!

ISSUE:

2010 Stanley Cup hero Patrick Kane went all out during Chicago's victory parade by downing bottles of champagne, beers thrown by fans, and making a slurred victory speech.

DARK MAN X SAYS: All this from the same cracker who punched a cabbie in the face over a buck in change last year. Just some more harmless drunk white-boy antics, right? FOH.

WHITEY FORD SAYS: He scored the championship goal in the Stanley Cup final, he has a right to enjoy it in a good ol' American way. So much for that P.K. kid, ha!

COMPLEX SAYS: At least this was less awkward than Sid having his parents swig from the cup last year.

ISSUE:

Despite complaints from some fans and players, FIFA will not ban vuvuzelas from World Cup games—though television networks will double audio filters to reduce the blaring.

WHITEY FORD SAYS: Whether it's here in the States or over there in Africa, those people always have to be so damn loud.

DARK MAN X SAYS: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Fuck you. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

COMPLEX SAYS: After Spain's loss today, fans' hearing isn't the only thing getting fucked up—some expert's picks are feeling it, too.

ISSUE:

Vince Young was cited for misdemeanor assault after a scuffle with a man in a Dallas strip club. Young said the victim's upside-down "hook 'em horns" salute (a blatant disrespect of the Texas Longhorns salute) prompted the confrontation. No word yet on any possible punishment from Roger Goodell.

DARK MAN X SAYS: Well...it's not like he tried to rape some girl in a bathroom stall...we're just sayin'.

WHITEY FORD SAYS: Fans booing pushed him to suicidal thoughts a few years ago, now this. He's not mentally stable enough to run himself, much less an NFL offense. Bring Kerry Collins back!

COMPLEX SAYS: Sensitive NFL players and all ballers in general: Stay the fuck outta strip clubs.

ISSUE:

Columnist Stephen A. Smith says the lack of controversy over #1 MLB draft pick Bryce Harper choosing to leave high school early to go pro would've been different if he were black.

WHITEY FORD SAYS: We finally have a young phenom of our own to take back America's pastime and he's already catching flack (or "hate" as you people say). Strasberg and Harper are leading the MLB back onto the white, er, I mean right path!

DARK MAN X SAYS: Stephen A. is on point with this one. Talk about a double standard. The silence about Bryce's educational switcheroo was deafening.

COMPLEX SAYS: Uhhh, doesn't this shit happen all the time in baseball? Nobody cares. Anyway, this dude + Stephen Strasberg = World Series for the Nats by 2015. Yup, we said it.