The Los Angeles Dodgers' Jeff Kent announced his retirement yesterday, and while dude will probably end up in the Hall of Fame, he'll also be remembered as one of the biggest misanthropes in sports. This is a guy who got kicked off his high school team, battled teammates annually, and said that one of the greatest broadcasters of all time talked too much'generally speaking, kinda like your favorite asshole's favorite asshole (PAUSE!).
To honor his "contributions" to sports we're presenting the inaugural Jeff Kent Awards, given to the sports figures most likely to build on Kent's legacy.
THE "I BROKE MY WRIST WHILE
DOING WHEELIES ON MY MOTORCYCLE WASHING MY TRUCK " AWARD
• During spring training in the 2002 season, Kent suffered a broken wrist in an off-field incident. He said he'd fallen while washing his truck; problem was, members of the public claimed they saw him crash his motorcycle while trying to imitate a Ruff Ryders video (one witness claimed she called him "an idiot for doing this" to which she received the very Kent-like reply: "Get the hell out of the way.")
The first "I broke my wrist
while doing wheelies on my motorcyclewashing my truck" award goes to the Golden State Warriors' Monta Ellis who was suspended for 30 games this year after he broke his ankle riding his mopedin a pick-up basketball game.
THE FIGHTING TEAMMATES AWARD
• It's no secret that Kent and his former San Francisco teammate Barry Bonds never got along (although Bonds didn't mind hitting in front of Kent and Kent didn't mind racking up RBI driving in Bonds), and their feud went public in 2002 when Bonds shoved Kent after Kent had yelled at another teammate.
We're awarding the initial Fighting Teammates Award to the Carolina Panthers' Steve Smith, who (despite having a much smaller target than Kent) broke teammate Ken Lucas' nose during a preseason drill prior to the 2008 season.
MOST SQUIRRELLY MUSTACHE AWARD
• It's a documented fact that baseball players have the worst facial hair in the history of mankind, and while Kent's isn't particularly egregious, it is particularly rodent-like, in the vein of Larry Bird.
The hair apparent for the Most Squirrelly Mustache Award is, of course, Adam Morrison of the Charlotte Bobcats.
INABILITY TO "DEAL WITH AFRICAN-AMERICANS" AWARD
• Back in '05, Kent's Dodger teammate Milton Bradley accused him of not knowing how to "deal with African-America people" (Kent responded with "If you think I've got a problem with African-Americans, then go talk to [INSERT BLACK PEOPLE HE PLAYED WITH]").
Clearly the current holder of the Inability to "Deal with African-Americans" award is Los Angeles Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy, who's got 13 black guys on his roster and a 9-33 record.
THE HOMOPHOBIC ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR AWARD
• Plenty of athletes have come out against gay marriage (John Smoltz once compared it to bestiality), but Kent actually put his money where his mouth was (pause that, redneck) by donating $15,000 to the effort to pass Prop 8 repealing gay marriage in California.
The early runner for Homophobic Asshole of the Year in '09 is, you guessed it, 95% of professional athletes.