1.
Sneakerhead, let us take a moment to look back on your childhood. I want to reminisce with you about a simpler time. It was a time when all it took was a blinking light on the heel or a pumpable basketball on the lip of a sneaker to make you the coolest kid on the block. You dominated the sneaker game with ease, ran the playground, and drove the ladies crazy, cooties be damned. This allowed mini-you to focus on the finer things in life. Super Soakers, Pogs, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures, and all the rest, lived in your fantasies as only the most useless pieces of plastic could.
Still today, amidst the discarded piles of toys in your memory, one brand stands out above the rest. You are still tempted by them every time you take a drunken late night stroll through the toy section at Wal-Mart. You smile when you see the stockpile of them gathering dust in your parents’ basement. Whether under fluorescent mega-mart lights or in darkened subterranean bins, they call out to you in all their neon glory. Nerf.
Non-Expandable Recreation Foam: there is no better little known acronym in existence. But, what made Nerf products, from their line of colored balls to their line of quirkily elaborate foam weaponry, so great? What makes them irresistible to nine year-olds and ninety year-olds alike? We sat down to ponder this and came up with a few answers.
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2.
They Make You Look Like a Badass
Modern man has few opportunities to look like a badass. The mass of men lead their lives of quiet desperation trapped in cubicles, making powerpoints about spreadsheets and turning them into PDFs. Yeah, your forefathers were tired after work, but at least they had the satisfaction of hitting a metal thing really hard with another metal thing many times in a row. Nerf products let you tap into our primal interests. Your real-life spiral will always be suspect and your actual marksmanship leaves much to be desired … but with Nerf products, we are gods. Tell me you wouldn’t feel like the toughest dude on the block with this bad boy.
3.
You Can Always Lie About Being Hit
This might seem strange at first, but one of the best parts of Nerf guns is how easy it is to cheat. A Super Soaker’s blast hits you: you’re all wet. You get zapped in laser tag: flashing lights and beeps. Pwned in a video game: game over. If you get suction cupped by an orange or yellow Nerf dart, you can always fall back on the ironclad excuse … “no I didn’t.” When one or two guys cheat at a game, it sucks all the fun right out, but a game where everyone is always cheating takes the competitive edge off and simply makes the game fun.
4.
You Can Always Buy More.
There is no joy in losing most things in life: your keys, your credit card, your sense of purpose. Losing pretty much anything sucks, except for your virginity … and Nerf darts. Nerf darts were almost meant to get lost. You’d blow through all of the darts in your Nerf Gatling Gun, spend five minutes looking half-heartedly under the couch, and resolve to just buy more. Replacing Nerf Footballs isn’t that bad either. At five bucks a pop (ten bucks for a Vortex), you can feel free to toss them into the fangs of the family dog with reckless abandon. The freedom to lose something without consequences is one of the most beautiful aspects of Nerfdom.
5.
NERF reminds us of a simpler time.
Once in a blue moon, out of nowhere, your friends will splurge on Nerf guns and a deep, childlike joy is instantly rekindled. Once in a great while, you’ll be in a swimming pool when someone pulls out a Nerf Vortex. It’s Tom Brady to Randy Moss circa 2007 all afternoon. It’s like calling up an old friend or banging that girl from high school when you’re back in town for Thanksgiving, a brief touch of a time that has forever slipped beyond your grasp.
It’s funny to think back on those times, when one of your highest priorities was making sure we had the dopest Nerf product. Here’s hoping that the foamy flame of that burning desire, the yearning for Nerf, stays alive within us. You should be so lucky to pass your Nerf love down to future generations … and kick your children’s and children’s children’s asses in Nerf. And when they do best you, you’ll look them straight in the eye and say, “No, you didn’t.”
