Hey, this is Kanye motherfuckin' West*. Some of you may know me for being your favorite person and the rest of you obviously don't know shit about shit! Anyway, why am I here? Because I've got some shoes to sell! One of the things that Steve Jobs' ghost never told me was that being a genius is fucking expensive! Do you know how much goddamn debt I'm in from all of my crazy ideas? For every screen I added to my extravagant cinema-tent or whatever, I had to take out another mortgage on Big Sean. He's technically owned by a boutique that only sells indigo silks in Osaka, but I haven't told him that yet. And apparently, all of those crazy contracts I signed when I was younger are still legally binding, so I needed to find another way to make money. I went to the Nike offices to ask them for royalties and they said that they would agree if I would do some commercials.

I told them no! I told them they can't control me! I told them to please reconsider as they carried me out of their office! But they wouldn't listen! When DONDA grows to biggeer than just Virgil and Ibn making different voices on the phone, I'm going to buy Nike! So anyway, now I need to recoup my losses. Kim's mom said that she would help me meet some people who could help out, but Adidas was the only one who would give me 100% control of my projects. Plus, and you peons probably don't know this, but the fashion world is impossible to penetrate. Only the most prestigious of names are selected to participate in projects like this. Like Jeremy Scott! He's like the second modern day Willy Wonka! I'm the first!

I gave Adidas ten ideas for shoes and all of them are fucking great. They are cutting edge products, each and every one of 'em. I'm a master of product design, so this obviously did not come as any surprise to me. I've included some of the prototypes here, so take a look and agree with me!

*It's Obviously not.

Illustrations by Dead Dilly

Slava P is a writer living in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter here.