10 Things Sneakerheads Want But Can't Get

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As of right now, prices of vintage sneakers are based on either Flight Club prices or completed eBay auctions. Neither is particularly accurate when it comes to a sneaker's true value-whatever that is-as both tend to fluctuate wildly with demand (all it takes is two people who REALLY want a particular sneaker to drive an eBay auction sky high). If you're in the market for a used car, you consult the blue book. When is someone gonna write one for sneakers?

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Admittedly this would be of no practical use to you unless you wore the same size as Mayor (we will not disclose that information, although it's easy enough to find). But seeing that his sneaker room looks like the warehouse scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark if it were re-shot as a promo for the Container Store, it would make any sneakerhead's year. (And, to mix Indiana Jones movies a bit, there is surely more than one Grail buried in there. You have chosen wisely.)

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Here's the thing about all those sneaker custom programs-you can't design just one. If it's not Nike switching up materials for the Air Force 1 or dropping out-of-nowhere bangers like the Eric Koston 1, its Vans having ridiculous options for Eras or New Balance having reams of buttery suede for U.S.-made 574s. What we all need is the sneaker equivalent of a credit card where the bills never arrive. At least not to our address.

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Larry Miller is the president of Jordan. What if, whenever you had an issue with Jordan quality or availability, you could just give the man a call? Oh, right, you don't have his number. Well, it's 503-671-...ah, you're not getting the rest.

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OK, fine, given that sneaker companies are known to change release dates less than a week in advance, this is entirely impossible. But we can dream. With a fully accurate calendar a year in advance, imagine the financial planning you'd be able to do. Or at least the crying.

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You missed out on the giveaway? May as well start accepting you're gonna miss the retail drop, too. And lawn mowing season is over, too. If you haven't locked down a 9 to 5 yet, best hope for a lot of snow this winter. An awful lot of snow.

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You can rent exotic cars, why not exotic sneakers? Pay a nominal fee (say, a hundred bucks a month) and get three overnights with something crazy for Instagram/lineup purposes. Of course if you mess them up, you lose your deposit (which would not be so nominal). Why buy when you can rent?

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Just in case you missed the news, Tinker Hatfield is designing on an iPad now-no more pen and paper. Well, there might be at some point in the process, but starting with the Vapor 9 Tour, the iPad has become his primary design tool. And when he fills the memory of one, it goes into the Nike archives. Imagine what just one of those might contain.

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Sure, you'd get tired of all the Yeezy and Louis dates and the rest of the predictable choices: "Oh man, black and red sixes AGAIN?" But it would be worth it for those outlier picks that you'd be able to scoop at retail before all the Kanye Stans got their hands on them.

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There are very few ways to ensure you get every single Jordan release, and most are based on accomplishments, namely: A) be an outstanding professional athlete, B) be an outstanding entertainer, C) be a higher-up at Nike/Jordan, or D) be Spike Lee. There is another way, of course, one that has nothing to do with your basketball/design/filmmaking ability, but it's a club that's even more exclusive. And that is to be related to Michael Jordan by blood. Follow Marcus Jordan's instagram and be prepared to get very, very jealous. And if you go so far as to try and get Mike on Maury just to get free sneakers, man, don't mention us.

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