Talking about the most obnoxious Fitness Guru is like talking about the smoothest R&B singer or the least-attentive stepdad: you know that you are getting the cream of the crop. While pretty much anyone ever to don spandex and yell at someone to “feel the burn” must be pretty unbearable, some stand out from the pack. We’re not sure what this says about us as gluttons for punishment, but we have put our youtube powers to work to provide you with this depraved list of the The 10 Most Obnoxious Fitness Gurus of All Time.
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No. 10 - Richard Simmons
At Sneaker Report we are big Richard Simmons fans but we understand that some folks out there find his sparkling leotards and equally sparkling smile off-putting. Here is an in-flight safety video Simmons did for some reason.
No. 9 - Amy Blackburn
Amy Blackburn is not the first guru to make aerobic-themed country line dancing videos, but she is the first one that comes up in a Google search of the topic. Combining country line dancing with aerobics is about as good an idea as combining your younger sister with booze and the varsity football team. The image in your head might be more appetizing than what you are about to watch.
No. 8 - Jack Lalanne
The late Jack Lalanne was a real fitness pioneer. But, it should not be forgotten that he was also a pioneer in obnoxious fitness. Here is a monologue about how you should smile more because that is pretty relevant to your workout routine. And here’s one about patriotism in your workout. We looked for one about persecuting communists, but perhaps it is lost to history.
No. 7 - Mel B - Totally Fit
After the Spice Girls fell out of favor, did you think that the one thing that you really (really) wanted was to see Scary Spice teaching you aerobics and providing you with dieting advice? Neither did we.
No. 6 - Diana Moran
Have you ever wondered what would happen if Downton Abbey and aerobics tapes had an unholy love child? Diana Moran’s (a.k.a. “The Green Goddess”) persona is pretty much that. Check out her workout tape here and here you can check out a week she spent painting still lifes at a cottage. Both videos are equally invigorating.
No. 5 - Chuck Norris
Like most of the internet, we love so much of Chuck Norris’s work, from Walker, Texas Ranger to his chairmanship of the NRA’s Trigger the Vote campaign to his internet memes. While Chuck has been many things, even the author/performer of the Walker Theme Song, he isn’t much of a fitness guru. His videos feel more like erectile dysfunction or marriage counseling ads than informercials. We will say this in his favor, he certainly doesn’t make it look too easy.
No. 4 - C.J. Senter
I think we can all agree that what the world was missing was a ten year-old fitness instructor. I think we can also agree that this is probably the healthiest, most psychologically sound way for a kid to grow up. Cleverly named, “The Workout Kid”, C.J.’s website lists several “signature moves” including Power Jacks, The Shredder, The Fighter, Invisible Jump Rope, Butt Kicks and Fly-A-Ways.” We know you are excited for this hard-hitting interview from ABC News.
No. 3 - Susan Powter
Powter’s trademark delivery of the line “Stop the Insanity” would probably be enough to earn her a spot on this list, but her role as a tent revivalist for the overweight, complete with her need to tell us that she is “not a doctor … not a nutritionist … just a housewive who figured it out … ask my ex-husband!”, is just too much.
No. 2 - Tony Horton
Anyone who would inspire a blogger to write a “Ten Most Annoying Things” post about them is probably pretty annoying. Perhaps all you need to hear about the P90X founder can be summed up in one sentence from said post: “prior to becoming a fitness guru, Tony Horton tried his hand as a stand-up comedian.” In addition to Horton’s brand of awful humor, his routine is filled with sexual comments like “Slap it! Make it feel nice!” and “Oh boy that’s tight on me, but I like it!” as well as commands to “Bring It!”
No. 1 - Tony Little
It takes a special person to market a ridiculous machine while sexually harassing his co-star. It takes a special kind of man to sell you a machine called an “Ab Longue” with a straight face. This is just the kind of heinous guru we needed to top our list. Tony Little, self-proclaimed “America’s Personal Trainer”, is that man. At least he is gracious enough to sport a ponytail, the tell-tale warning sign of extreme douchery.