Do you want to sext with the best of them? Of course you do! The only problem is, every iMessage thirst trap you try to set is empty, desolate—a dry tumbleweed wasteland. Your hesitant typed words are the embodiment of struggle. But you've come here because you're ready to graduate from amateur hour to writing your thesis in sexts.
As with all things in life, the only way to learn from your mistakes is to pick them apart until you feel so bad and pathetic about yourself that you either spend the rest of your life in a basement playing Warhammer 40000, or never ever make those same mistakes again. Shall we? Here's how you're failing at that sext game and what you need to do to keep your pale gray ellipsis on lock.
You Act Like You're Taking a Yearbook Photo
You Think There Are #Latergrams in Sexting
You Don't Pause Before Sending a Dick Pic
You're Only on Camera
You Think the Cloud Has Friends
You Failed English
When you're texting with someone, you know when it's taking "the turn." That is, they're starting to flirt, you're flirting back, and they ask:
"If you were with me right now, what would you be doing?
First, think. What exactly would you want to be doing? Don't get bashful and come back with:
"Sitting on the couch watching a movie."
You'll probably be sitting there alone.
Like you learned in English class, get descriptive. Build the image you want them to see. From the details of where you’d like to put your hands, to where you’d like them to put their mouth. Show, don’t tell. Use the five senses. Smells are important. Talk about the "rich parade" of your lover's "hair and perfume," word to Cormac McCarthy.
You Think You Don't Have a Bad Side
You Have Not Developed a Sext Strategy
You're Not Using Apps
Your Sexts Live Next to Your Family Photos
